Another One Bit The Dust

In the excitement and stress of my son's latest injury, I forgot to mention that I met someone I really liked, and with whom there was intense chemistry. 

And he too, disappeared. 

Seriously. *sigh*

I'm poison.

SO. My kiddo's knee is healing very slowly. This has been so much harder to deal with, than even brain surgery recovery. It has been very drawn-out, and a very slow recovery. In addition to weekly speech therapy, now he also has weekly physical therapy appointments. He hates the PT. He hates the long drives to get there and back. 

During summer,  I bring him to work with me. It has been much harder getting him in and out of the house. And there's no such thing as a quick trip to the store. Wheelchair in and out, lifting 100 pound kid out of a seated position out of car, and into chair, and back. The chair barely fits in my car. YES, I know this is short term for us, unlike many other people. But this is my blog, and Ima bitch about it a little bit. 

My income was cut in half this month, because the family I work for was gone for 2 weeks total. I'm kinda screwed, considering my dog went to the vet yesterday to the tune of a $350 abscess. FURK.

I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel anymore. In fact, I'm convinced the tunnel is getting longer, the harder I run toward the end. I'm exhausted. I continue to count my blessings, and blink back the tears. 

Just keep going. Just keep going. Just keep going.

.

Standing in my kitchen, waiting for the coffee to finish brewing. I'm numb, but on the verge of tears. I'm so fortunate in several areas,  and SO unfortunate in several others. I'm probably having a pity party, but I just can't help it right this minute. 

Today is the last day of school, and I should be out running while I can. My boy gets home at 10:30am today. In spite of the trouble it is to get him on and off the bus in his wheelchair, I sent him to school so I could have the last 3 hours of break time before summer starts.  And yet, here I sit. Cup of coffee steaming in my hand, in yesterday's eye makeup and my pajamas. I can't get off the couch. 

Just when I thought we'd had a breakthrough in the direction of positivity with my ex-husband, he has gone back to his typical m.o. of 'bare minimum', but this time with poking the beehive thrown in. Seriously? As if I don't have enough on my plate, and without him actually helping more through the injury. He made it clear that the one day he spent with our son so I could work, was THE only help he was willing to give. Like he's doing me a favor helping out with OUR son. I shouldn't be surprised. I should have remembered to have ZERO expectations of him. And yet, I allowed myself to be hopeful. That'll teach me. 

I feel....bad. I'm exhausted. I'm scared about what the next steps are with my boy's knee.

And I'm lonely. 

Well.....SHIT.

My son has now dislocated his left knee once, and his right knee twice. This past Friday night, while getting out of the car, I heard him make an "oof" sound. I turned around to find him on the floor of the garage, and his kneecap was on the side of his leg. He straightened it himself and it popped back in place, but he still wouldn't put weight on it. The next morning, it was badly swollen and he refused to put weight on it. This was different than the previous two dislocations. By Saturday there was no improvement. So I took him to the clinic. An X-Ray showed a chipped kneecap and a dented femur. With possible bursitis and tendon/ligament damage. 

Furk.

My boy is about 2 inches taller than me, and weighs a few pounds shy of what I weigh. I can't carry him. He can't walk. So I've developed this piggyback sort of way to lug him up onto my back and get him to the car. Our amazing Pediatrician got him in for an emergency appointment with the Orthopedic clinic today....aaaaaand they won't touch him. But they did put him into a knee brace that is less painful and more supportive than the one he had. The immobilizer brace pressed down on his chipped kneecap, and he kept taking it off. He's frigging Houdini. He got through duct tape and got it off when I jumped up to switch out laundry loads. Fergawdsake. The new one has an open patella, and wasn't easy to put on....and hopefully not easy to take off. He is in pain, ornery as hell about it, not sleeping and frustrated. Which makes two of us. 

His wheelchair will be delivered tomorrow. He will be spending tomorrow with his father while I work, because he can't go to school without a wheelchair. Thursday he will see a specialist at Seattle Children's. 

After I posted the play-by-play on Facebook.... I got a message from an Aunt on my paternal side. She said she has Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome, and suffered many knee dislocations as an adolescent. She said my grandfather has it as well. All I could hear was "Ehlers-Danlos". Guess which group of people they've found a link in? A large majority of people with Arnold Chiari Malformation, also have Ehlers-Danlos. My son went through genetic testing at age 2 or 3, but wasn't likely tested for ED because he wasn't symptomatic. And now I know I have a family history of it. 

I feel very.....bad. I feel like I passed down a genetic component that has led my child to terrible pain. I'm not sure what to do with that info. 

One foot in front of the other, for now. One foot in front of the other.

Dating Ain't For Sissies

  I met two men recently, that I really liked. The first, we'll call him Blake Shelton (seriously, twins), is easily the nicest man I've ever met. In my life. Truly kind, gentle, sweet. I told my girlfriends I hoped I wouldn't "ruin" him with my foul mouth and sassiness. We went on one date, that was very nice. BUT. We just didn't quite click. I found myself having to explain my humor quite a lot.  Also, he wasn't a father. Something I've learned quickly is that men WITH kids are intimidated by my son's special needs. His own father couldn't hack it. How can I ask someone who doesn't understand that paternal bond, to accept all that *we* are as a package deal? I let him go.

  During the same week, I was fixed up with a man who I had INSTANT chemistry with. He appeared to be an amazing dad with primary custody of his two sons. He was REALLY funny and witty, which is a 'must have' for me. We went on 2 dates, laughed our asses off, and flirted relentlessly. We talked every day. Aaaaand then he disappeared. *poof* ghosted me.  He didn't owe me an explanation. But it would be nice to know what in the actual FUCK happened. 

  I feel like a complete and utter failure. Again? Still? Whatever. 

  So. I'm out. Off the market indefinitely. I'm going to keep focusing on my son, and on myself. I've been working out like crazy, and starting to see physical results. The endorphins are helping my mental state. 

What Qualifies As A Shitty 24 Hours?

1) Having your wallet with roughly $1600 in it, stolen out of your purse at a birthday party.

2) Getting rear-ended on your way back from looking for the above mentioned wallet.

3) Having both of them happen in the same 24 hours.

I'm melting down.

NOOOOOPE

How to know you still aren't ready to date....join an online dating site, and find your most recent ex's profile in the first 5 swipes. Was like a twisting knife.

Well then....

The theme of this day, is letting go. Holy SHITBALLS. Right on the heels of my posting binge here, I saw that one of my favorite musicians, Griffin House, posted a link to a video for one of his new songs.  

I was introduced to his music by the man I dated for a year and a half. The song he played for me was 'The Guy That Says Goodbye'. The main verse is "The guy that says goodbye to you is out of his mind".

Hook, line and sinker.

So my hearing this song today, called 'Yesterday Lies', was absolute perfection. It applies to both that year and a half long relationship, and touches on where I was headed with my double posts about that 7 month relationship this morning. 

Freaking TRIPPY. 

http://www.pastemagazine.com/articles/2016/02/griffin-house-yesterday-lies-official-video.html

Why It Should Be Easier Than It Has Been To Let Go.

He enthusiastically accepted an invitation to my dear friend's wedding at a winery. It would've been a fun weekend getaway at a hotel. As the date drew closer, he backed out, citing kid event conflicts. I absolutely understood, saying "kids first!"

He enthusiastically accepted an invitation for a free trip with me to Maui. When it came time for me to book tickets, he said he didn't think he could get away, citing kid and work conflicts. I was very disappointed, but understood. 

Then came a fancy wedding at The Four Seasons Hotel in Seattle. I showed him the invitation with both of our names on it, and told him the RSVP date. And on the RSVP date, I had to ask if he was going to be my date. He declined, citing kid conflict. I was crushed.

In the heat of passion, he must've slipped and said *the L-word*. But I only heard him say "I didn't mean that! I'm sorry. I only meant that I love doing this with you!" I should've walked out the door right then. But I'm a hopeless romantic, and I was in love with him. I said "Well, I do love you." Which was met with an intense kiss, but void of words. 

Laying in bed together, softly talking. A song came on with a verse of longing...."I miss you..." He couldn't get to his phone fast enough to change the song. I felt my heart drop into my shoes. I knew it wasn't me he was missing. 

And finally, a list of things he wanted to accomplish during the coming weekend. At the top of the list, meeting his ex girlfriend to give her some packages she had shipped to him. Then, installing a doggie door. Cleaning the garage. Mowing the lawn. And I wasn't anywhere on the list. I didn't need to be at the top of the list. But I wasn't anywhere on the list. Not after cleaning the garage. Not after installing a doggie door. 

I wasn't on the list at all.

That was the end.

And then I didn't rate high enough for a face-to-face conversation. Instead I got an awkward phone call while he was on his way to meet his ex girlfriend.

A few days later, I came home to find a copper mug from my birthday in Seattle, with a two page hand written letter in it. The letter was kind, but didn't contain any more closure than the text or the awkward phone call. 

This breakup happened 1 week before a very, very stressful court date for me. I hadn't leaned on him during my preparation for it, but I had been honest that my stress levels were through the roof. I didn't talk a lot about my struggles until then. And even then, I kept most of it to myself. 

Two weeks after that, he unfriended me across all avenues of social media. 

I've seen him several times on the road, while both of us were on our way to work. Neither of us acknowledged the other. Like it never happened. 

When we met, I was very clear that I am a social butterfly, and that I say yes to every possible opportunity for fun and adventure. He explained that he was a bit more reserved than that, and I wondered if it would be problematic for us as a couple. I should've listened to my gut. 

I don't know why I'm having such a resurgence of missing him. Is it my ego? Is it loneliness? Or am I truly missing him? I don't know. But I'm frustrated and disappointed in myself for feeling like this. For looking for his truck on my way to work.  A few posts back I said that I wanted to win 'custody' of my work route, so I didn't have to see him. And now I'm disappointed that I haven't seen him in several weeks. 

I keep telling myself to let it go. He didn't want me. That's it.

And yet.

Yearning. Things I Miss.

That twilight level of sleep.....slipping my foot across the sheets to feel the contact of his warm leg. 

Burrowing into his back, and falling back into slumber.

Being woken up by feeling his hand trace the length of my back.

Truly peaceful, blissful sleep. The kind where I wake up feeling slightly disoriented because I slept dreamlessly. Where I slept so hard, I feel a little bit hungover.

Waking up a minute before he does, and watching him sleep contentedly. 

Waking him up. 

Driving with the sunroof open, windows down a little. Music. Feeling him glance over to look at me, and knowing that he really sees me. 

Laying in his back yard hammock, head resting on his chest, rocking slightly in the breeze. Talking about things we're looking forward to doing together. 

Enjoying everyday chores in one another's presence.

Making him laugh. I mean really laugh.

Giggling about a shared twisted sense of humor.

Daily texts filled with silliness and wit. 

Intelligent banter.

Sitting in the sun on a patio next to a marina. Feeling the breeze and smelling the ocean air. A glass of wine, a nibble of calamari. Smiling at his sunglass-covered eyes, because he said something clever, yet again. 

Listening to him tell a story about one of his boys, pride radiating off of him. 

Conversely, listening intently while he expresses frustration at one of them making a craptacular teenage decision, and reason out how to make it a teaching opportunity.

Smiling while he relates with a story about a craptacular teenage decision he himself made at the same age.

Learning valuable lessons from him, because he gently said "I never did actually choke on my pride any of the times I had to swallow it....." at precisely the right time for me to actually hear it. 

Seeing him walk through the door with a big smile to scoop me up into an intense embrace. 

Making out like teenagers.

Seeing burning desire in his icy cool eyes. 

Driving home from a date much earlier than necessary, because we just couldn't wait to be tangled up together. 

Burnin' it down.

BBQ'ed steak, sweatpants, his dog at our feet while we watch movies.

A sunny birthday spent in Seattle, playing tourist. The Great Wheel, dinner at The Taphouse, a hilarious comedy show, and tasting gin and vodka at a new distillery. 

A copper mug to commemorate.

Lingering kisses and "I'm not finished hugging you yet" embraces. 

Wherein The Punishment Is Worse On Mommomm

I've had a recurring problem with my son pooping in his diaper, not telling me, and then attempting to change it himself. Which....apraxic with difficulties in motor planning = poop smeared on the bed, the floor, the...everything. I've tried calmly explaining. I've tried reasoning. As of Sunday evening, when I stepped in poop on his bedroom carpet......yelling. Loudly.  None of these techniques (ha, ha, HA!) have been effective for getting him to tell me he needs his diaper changed. 

I'm going to have to resort to taking his iPad away. Which? Will be SO much harder on me, than on him. It's what he does. While he's never been officially diagnosed with Autism, he's definitely on the spectrum. He watches YouTube videos. That's what he does. Hopefully that's why taking it away will be effective? Please? Wish me luck.

I Spoke Too Soon.

Seriously. This 4 day weekend felt like a MONTH. My special needs 15 year old has a new form of rebellion; dropping his drawers. Today, it was in the frozen food section at Target. Usually I handle it pretty well. Hand on hip, eyebrows up "so you wanna walk the rest of the way through Target sans pants? Okie Dokie!" Today? Notsomuch......If I hadn't already cleaned up unspeakable things all weekend....if I wasn't so damn tired of doing this by myself.....I might've found some humor. 

Nope. Not today, puberty. Not today.

Happy Singles Awareness Day!

Spending today catching up on housework, and baking for the love of my life. I'm a lucky Mommomm.

*sigh*

I don't think this is an *Alpha Female* thing, because I'm not the only woman I know who has expressed this.....but it is SO frustrating to me to be circled by men who can't work up the nerve to ask me out. I don't do hints. In fact, a man who hints at me about wanting to go out, actually repulses me. If you want to take me out on a date, fucking ask me. It really is that simple. I don't want to do the back-and-forth hint game. If I want to get to know you better, I'll accept your invitation. If I don't, I'll be gentle but honest. Guys, what's the worst that could happen? I might say no, and if that's the worst thing that happens, then was that so bad? The circling me while probing approach makes me see you as spineless and timid. Therefore you are seafood and will be devoured for lunch. And NOT in the good way. 

Nature Is My Church

I'm not entirely sure what my spiritual beliefs are. I've gone to church on and off since I was a teenager. Every night I say thanks and ask for protection for my loved ones. When friends who are believers ask for prayers, I offer them up. I'm just not sure if I'm speaking to God, Buddha, The Universe....Flying Spaghetti Monster? I've never been completely comfortable in any one church, I think because I don't trust organized religion. 

I've spoken with a mom who also has a child with special needs, at school functions and meetings for our kids. She seems to be determined to 'save' me. I've always been courteous and kind to her, but have also been taken aback by her fervor and enthusiasm. On one hand it is overwhelming that she sees something about me that screams "save her!!!", and on the other I'm impressed that she is so strong in her beliefs. Personally, I try to take anything in life with a grain of salt, and some moderation. 

Except steak. I'll salt the hell out of that, and eat a 64 ouncer in one sitting. 

Anyway.

This mom knew that I was facing a daunting court battle last October. She offered to pray for my son and I, which I graciously accepted. She shared that she was facing some troubles within her own family, and I offered my own good thoughts and prayers.  I saw her for the first time since then, at the special education parent meeting Monday night. We exchanged a few pleasantries, and she asked how my court date had gone. I gave her the abridged version, and asked about her family situation. She launched immediately into what I would describe as *frothing-at-the-mouth overzealous excited verbal vomit*. She said "Your marriage can be redeemed! Your ex husband can be saved, and God can give you back your marriage. You just have to believe. You just have to be saved yourself. I've prayed with someone whose marriage was revived after 18 years apart!"

I'm not often speechless.

A couple of things came to mind, and I've been thinking about it since Monday. First, that her words immediately made me see her as a Stepford-esque religious zealot. With a little space, I still admire her passion. However, I won't be willing to share any personal stories with her in the future. That exchange was far too intense for the level of friendship I have with her. It was invasive, jarring, and very unsettling. 

Secondly......would I want my ex husband back? My immediate reaction to her comments about the possibility of my marriage being "redeemed"......NO. Absolutely no question whatsoever. I wouldn't want my marriage or my ex husband back. I don't know him now, nor is he someone I would choose to know if I didn't have to. I don't like this new version of him. I choose to surround myself with good hearted, kind, genuine people. He is no longer any of those things. My only hope for our relationship is civility while co-parenting. 

For now, I'll keep saying thanks and asking for protection for my loved ones. I'll appreciate beautiful sunsets, people and moments. I'll keep hoping that I will see the reason I've been through so much cruelty and pain. And yes, I'll keep asking that the reason be revealed sooner than later.

 

Just Me, Myself And I

I'm running. On purpose. Not away from danger or toward a cheeseburger. But because I.....like? It? CRAZY!!! I wogged 4.5 miles yesterday, and I feel pretty good about the walk/jog ratio. This morning I got up and went to a new YMCA studio facility in Stanwood, and did a weight lifting class that kicked my ass. And after? I ran a mile. WHO AM I?! It felt great! 

This afternoon, I did rejoin the land of the living, and went to a Super Bowl party. Met a woman I've only seen in passing on Facebook, who is going through a divorce, but very early in the process. We had a good talk about not giving a shit what ANYONE thinks about how she's handling her divorce. I also saw a woman I used to work with at the pharmacy, and got to meet her beautiful family. And to think I almost went full *shut-in* and skipped it. I didn't think I'd know anyone except the hosts, which for some reason was a bit daunting this time. I'm so glad I went!! 

This weekend was full of solitude, and I needed it. Friday night I was in bed by 9pm, and last night, by 9:30pm. I got lots of sleep, worked my body hard, read some books, and truly appreciated that I had the time to myself. I needed some time that didn't belong to work, friends or mom responsibilities. I'm proud of myself for embracing the art of learning how to be alone, early on in the divorce process. I'm even more proud of myself for working hard to take care of my physical health, which in turn helps my mental health. And my ass will look AMAZING. ;)

Deeper Into The 'Huh'

I believe I was addicted to being pissed at my ex. Holy shit. A week in, the emotional hangover feels less like a release, and more like a void. That is FUCKED UP. And a very big realization for me, that is prompting me to channel that energy into healthier emotions and endeavors. 

Huh.

Turns out that seething anger I let go of recently, was a bit of a security blanket. While I feel so much lighter for dropping the figurative weight of it.... Now I'm dealing with the raw nerves exposed in the aftermath.  A much healthier thing to deal with, to be sure. But painful and difficult nonetheless. My best description is 'emotional hangover'. I would rather be dealing with this piece of the healing process, than still lugging that anger. But yikes....feeling a bit like I was mowed down by a dump truck. The next little while will be about putting one foot in front of the other, and breathing, and not much else.

Friday

Will be heretofore known as *The Day I Reclaimed My Power*

My ex husband and I had a 45 minute discussion in front of our son, about how to address his new behaviors and how to support him through these big changes. I would've said we discussed it "with" our son, but he's non-verbal. Having him in the room and listening is as close as we get to "with".

It went extremely well. And I got the opportunity to put down a boundary with my ex about "our" behavior. I told him in no uncertain terms that we could continue to have these kinds of discussions as long as "we" could behave. It felt really good to say it, and now he knows I MEAN IT. I'm not playing. In spite of that rather uncomfortable few moments, I feel like it went very well. 

As a result, I pushed the 1,000 pound grudge off of my forehead. Officially. I'm no longer seething with hatred for those people who've treated me like crap for 4+ years. I have ZERO expectations of them. I will keep doing the right thing. I'll keep being the best mom I can be. I'll keep taking care of myself. But I'm no longer carrying the burden of hating their guts. No matter what they do or say, I'm doing great. It feels really good.

Another side affect of letting go of the anger by having a difficult conversation, and taking my power back....I'm fearless. Totally and completely unafraid to say the difficult things. And 100% NOT. TAKING. ANYONE'S. SHIT. ANYMORE. 

I Never Actually Choked On My Pride, Any Of The Times I've Had To Swallow It

With the encouragement of a very good friend, I worked up the nerve to discuss my son's new behaviors with my ex-husband. It went very, very well. I explained what happened, and asked if I could count on him as backup. He agreed, and said he would be willing to sit down with us and have a discussion. I asked him to think about it a bit, and we could decide how to handle that discussion. It's important to me that my boy knows he can safely express his frustrations, but that he can't push me or put his hands on anyone else. I hope his father can find a good middle ground in his approach. We shall see. But I was very pleasantly surprised that the initial conversation went as well as it did. He thanked me for talking to him about it, he knew it must've been hard for me to do, because "we've been through some shit." Here's hoping this is a step in the right direction toward doing what's best for our son.

Ch-ch-ch-changes

I have reached a very difficult stage with my son. He is now physically bigger than I am, and has begun to push past me when I'm talking to him, or getting after him. I don't know how to handle it. He's in the throes of puberty, and his usual sweet, calm demeanor is definitely changing. I feel very alone, and very anxious. 

I started running in earnest today, to prep for my next 5k. It felt really good to get outside and break a sweat. Time to put myself back toward the top of the priority list. How can I be the best version of myself, and the best mom I can be, if I don't? 

2016.....BAM!

2016 is off to a running start! I ran my first organized 5k with some girlfriends. Now? I'm hooked on fun runs. It was REI's 'The Worst Day Of The Year' run at McMenamin's Anderson School. We stayed the night before at the venue, and got crap sleep, but did it anyway! I did exactly ZERO training, but managed to run most of it anyway. Next up? Run or Wine in February. 

The following morning, myself and two of the ladies above, headed off to meet another friend in Whistler B. C. For a(nother) girls weekend. 

Inaugural use of my passport! And yes, I AM dorky enough to ask the customs agent to stamp my passport. Which he did. :) 

 We got there by halftime and caught the rest of the Seahawks game. We won! It wasn't pretty, but we won!

We were there for 2 days. While much of it was a blur, we do have photo proof (thank you, selfie stick!) of what we were up to. The Peak-To-Peak was a highlight!  And thanks to our obnoxious shenanigans, the lift operators let us ride alone, so we had the gondolas to ourselves. 

SO. Much. Laughter!! The BEST!!! I met a steel tycoon from Pittsburgh, and had a really great chat. Next to laughing until my cheeks hurt, I love meeting and talking to new people. You can never have too many friends. 

The minute I decided to stop looking for a possible partner, and declared myself "NOT DATING!!" (Not a public declaration, just something I decided) dudes are coming out of the woodwork. WTF?! I'm still healing a broken heart, and therefore not dating indefinitely. So here's to running 5k's, enjoying life with my son, and laughing as much as possible! #goodthingsineveryday 

Our New Year Vacation

As a family, my ex husband, son and I used to go to our friend's cabin on the river for Christmas. We *ran away* for the holiday because some family members couldn't share us. So we removed ourselves from the equation, and made a Christmas tradition the way we wanted Christmas to be. A cabin in the snow, on a river, with a fireplace. It was so, so beautiful. 

Then The Life Explosion happened, right before Christmas. It ruined the holiday for me, and every year since, I've fought quite hard to get the joy back for myself. I put on a good front for my son, but I haven't really enjoyed it myself. This year (see December post) has been much better. My core group of girlfriends get together with our families in a neighborhood that goes ALL out with lights and decorations. One of the hubbies built a covered 'SnoHo Manger' out of his work trailer, and decorated it with lights and bales of straw to tow us all around for light judging. SO. FUN. 

I didn't have my son for the week before Christmas, but I kept very busy with work. I got him back early on Christmas morning.

 We opened gifts at home, then high-tailed it to a friend's house in LaConner for Christmas champagne brunch.

The brunch was delicious, and it was so nice to spend time with friends and their families. After that, we went to my brother's house. His wife made an delicious turkey dinner for Braeden and I, and our parents. My niece is just a year old, and really seemed to understand Christmas this year. So fun! 

We had our celebrations all wrapped up by the baby's bedtime, and headed for home. Braeden was happily ready to climb into bed and read, while I took down our decorations. I had it all down and boxes back up by 10pm. Might be kinda *scroogey*, but when I'm done with something, I'm DONE. :)

And then we got to make a new tradition. My employer lent me his big beast of a 4WD truck. Braeden and I got to go back to the cabin, but to celebrate the new year instead of Christmas. 

I was going to be off work for the week anyway, as the family had plans for a California adventure. So we went!!!

ROAD TRIIIIP!!!! The drive over went great! Didn't need the 4WD until we reached town, and it was very easy to get around.

I learned about diesel rigs, and that they need to be plugged in during freezing temps.... -15 degrees F, meant it was frozen solid the first night. After some frantic texts to my brother "HOLY SHIT!!! DID I JUST RUIN AN $80K TRUCK?!?!".....I was assured that all I needed to do was plug in the engine block heater. *phew*

We had a BLAST!!! Braeden remembered the cabin and was very happy to be back. Because it was so cold, I thought our snow time would be limited. NOOOPE! We were out there a minimum of 2.5 hours, every time. 

We had an amazing trip! We stayed 5 days, and the cabin owners were there too. Which was SO great. My friend Lyndy has found love again after being widowed in 2009. This was my first real exposure to her beau, and I adore him. 

New Year's Eve, I popped a bottle of champagne at 9pm, toasted the new year with something like "THIS one is NOT going to suck!", and we were in bed by 10pm. It was perfectly us! :)

On the morning we were planning to head home, the weather report changed drastically, so I had a very hurried *slam everything into our luggage* hour. We got on the road before the snow was coming down. But we drove straight INTO it....

It was a very slow drive home! 35mph all the way over the pass. But we were safe, and everything went fine. 

So here's to better things in 2016. This year I will know my worth, practice better self care, forgive myself for my mistakes, stretch comfort zones for myself and my son, and accept EVERY. SINGLE. OPPORTUNITY. FOR. FUN. AND. ADVENTURE!!!! 

Is It Negative Self Talk, Or Realism?

I've learned to expect people to disappoint me. Disappear. It's not a surprise anymore, but it is upsetting. Especially if I let myself be vulnerable. I don't do that easily anymore. I'm sure it's easier to *ghost* someone, than to have a difficult conversation. But it is much harder on the ghostee, and is a chicken shit way to handle anything. I've learned over and over again now, to expect the worst from people.