Thankful But Sad

The man I'm in love with and have spent the last 1.5 years enjoying new adventures with, ended our relationship the first week of December. He was gentle and kind about breaking my heart. But his timing was spectacularly bad. 2 days after the anniversary of my ex husband dumping me, and right before Christmas. Ouch. Some things were brought to my attention after the fact that made it glaringly obvious that one of his reasons for breaking it off (he has some baggage to work on) was a bit of an understatement. Those details will eventually make it easier for me to accept. But for right now, he is a major missing piece of my life. I went from daily contact to absolutely nothing. Today he posted a photo on Facebook, and my immediate reaction was "Oh! There he is!! There's that face I love and miss!" Which was immediately followed by my heart hitting the floor, and a sob from the very depths of my soul.

He is someone who raised the bar for me, on how I deserve to be treated. On the kind of person I will want to spend time with in the future. I'm so thankful that I've now experienced an adult relationship, as well as an adult breakup. In ending our relationship, he was infinitely kinder and more respectful after 1.5 years, than my ex husband was after 20 years. Thankful he ended things kindly, but SO sad that he's gone.

And OH....how I will miss him. He's not someone I will get over any time soon. Right now it feels like I might never get over him at all. He said he wished he could see himself through my eyes. I truly wish he could too. I think everyone deserves to fully understand how their biggest fan feels about them. Thankful to have had that 1.5 years, and a whole bunch of great memories....but so sad that it's over.

I also know that in the future I won't be afraid to tell someone how I feel about them. Well, I'll probably be shaking in my (very cute, thanks to him) boots. But I'll say it anyway. I now know that I need to hear those things too. I want to spend my time with someone whom I adore, and whom adores me back. I want the country song cliches. I want to be with someone who is proud to have me on their arm, and is proud to introduce me to his friends and family. I want to be part of an intact family, and share my son's sweetness and silliness with someone who loves him and feels honored to know him. But that person will also have to be very strong. Strong enough that I can confide in him about my worries for my boy. I want a partner. Thankful to have learned so much about what I want in a partner, but so very sad it won't be with him.

Christmas? I've learned to hate it. I'm holding up a pretty good front for my boy, and making it as wonderful as possible. I'm able to provide him with a very good Christmas. We have what we need. I have to remind myself of that daily when I'm sad that what I want is gone. When my boy leaves on Christmas Day to spend the rest of his winter break with his father, I'll have another good cry. Thankful to have him Christmas morning, but sad for my own loneliness. 

SO.

💔

IEP Day

Dread.

Behind Every Great Kid.....

.....is a mom who is sure she's screwing it up.

  When my life exploded, I immediately started working very hard on myself. Internal stuff. Therapy every week, Alanon meetings to try to understand why I chose the spouse I did, and how to heal from growing up with an alcoholic in the household. I started working out heavily for the endorphins, and honestly? For the Hot Factor. I'm just vain enough that I needed to feel good about how I looked on the outside too. In the last couple years of my marriage I'd gained some weight out of sheer misery. I am very proud to say that my level of care for my son stayed as high as it had been, and was probably heightened further by the life explosion. 

  My son has a brain malformation, and is considered 'mentally retarded'. He seems to understand everything like any other 13 year old, but his expressive language is so delayed that it's hard to know what he knows. He also has significant sensory issues, which cause him to gag and barf from visual sensory things that bother him. It might be his only way of *saying* "Ew gross! I don't like that!". But daily barf isn't unusual for him, over a stretch of a couple weeks sometimes. And if he has post-nasal drainage? Fuggedaboutit. Massive barf event. Which causes havoc with his teeth. And tooth brushing? I consider myself lucky to get to brush his teeth once a day. It is a nightmare. Our past experiences at the dentist have been horrendous. He's traumatized, I'm traumatized. Everyone leaves those appointments in tears. Recently I've been worried about his dental health, and have been internalizing my worry. He's also struggling with constipation, and I didn't realize it, but I've been internalizing that too. And I should mention that I operate at a constant level of high-ish stress because I'm always on pins and needles watching for headaches and/or neck pain from his brain malformation. While I'm spilling it, I worry daily about his development and watch very closely for signs of him struggling. His classroom situation has changed a lot this year, and my awareness of his moods and reactions is very high right now, at the beginning of the school year.

  I stopped seeing my therapist about a year ago, because I couldn't afford to go anymore. It's time to go back. Between my concerns for my boy, my car giving me trouble, some nastiness I had to deal with legally, everyday life stresses, and my ex husband getting married to the *cough* woman he left me for, I had a health event that has knocked me flat for over a week. I have internalized things so much in an effort to not appear like I'm stuck in a bad place, that my body revolted and I've been down for the count. Which increases my stress levels. Vicious cycle, no?

  Yesterday, the boy had a well child visit with The Best Pediatrician In The World. I adore her. She's the only doctor who really listened when I felt like I'd figured out what was causing my son's delays and pain. She trusts mother's intuition, and she went to bat for us in a big way. What was found, is the ACM1 that I suspected my son suffered from. The appointment yesterday went great. I expressed my concerns about my son's dental health, and while she wants me to get him to the Dentist soon-ish, she said his teeth don't look horrible. She also suggested two options for pediatric dentists, that I now need to argue with the insurance to cover. Also, I've started my son on a medication that will help with his constipation issues. She determined him to be in excellent health, and let me know that I'm FAR too hard on myself. Something my girlfriends have been telling me repeatedly over the last few months.

  I'm doing this by myself. And it is SO EFFING DIFFICULT sometimes. But by bottling up most of my stresses, I'm making myself sick. I've subscribed to the "just keep going" mantra for most of the last 2 years. I'm embarrassed and ashamed of myself for being so upset about my ex's marriage. It shouldn't bother me so much, but clearly it does. In my mind it means his leaving wasn't about not being responsible and not wanting to be married.....it means he just didn't want to be married to me. Ouch. While I wouldn't touch him with a 10 foot pole, and my life is SO much better without him in it daily....it still hurts. My son is about to have a really awful person as his stepmother. I hope daily that she doesn't show that ugliness to my perfect, sweet-souled boy.

  And I am now taking steps to simplify my life a bit again. I've taken on too much. I'm so happy to have the confirmation from my son's Pediatrician that he is doing great, so I can move forward to start taking better care of myself again. This too shall pass. This too shall pass. This too shall pass.

Good Things For Good People

I'm in love. I don't mean to sound 97 years old, but I really didn't know if I would fall in love again. I've known for months, but been terrified to say it. 

I'm happy again, and more thankful than I could possibly put into adequate words. 

Sk8ter Boi

My boy is growing up. There's no stopping it, or slowing it down. I'm extremely appreciative of the cuddles and snuggles I still get, because I know he won't be wanting them forever. He's almost tall enough to look me in the eye. He's maturing. There are hormonal outbursts, though infrequently. He's starting 8th grade in just a few weeks. Woah....he's starting his last year of middle school. Yikes!!

This boy is amazing all the way through to his bones. He's well adjusted, sweet, kind, and wise beyond his years. I think once you've had brain surgery, everything else is cake. Our summer hasn't been the best, so I'm trying to make these last few weeks before he goes back, fun and full of good memories. I think we're both ready for the familiar schedule of Fall and school.

Happy Antiversary!

Yesterday would've been my 18th wedding anniversary. It was a much more emotional day for me, than I'd anticipated. Made worse by having to see my ex and his mistress/fiancé. 

I coped by finally tackling the excavation of my guest bedroom. For 2 years it has been where memories go to die....a veritable minefield of framed family photos, scrap books that I had spent hundreds of hours constructing, and The Dress. My wedding gown. A year ago a friend told me about an organization that takes wedding gowns and turns them into burial gowns for babies who pass away. Having lost 2 babies myself, I couldn't think of a better way to pass along my wedding gown. It felt like a much better option than BBQ'ing it, which is what I had planned to do with it.  Well, after becoming very emotional and upset yesterday, I was finally ready. This morning at 9am, I met with the woman who runs the organization. I gave her my dress, and we had a little chat over coffee. She's going to cut a portion of the dress off, and save it for me. My son will be able to use it as a pocket square if he ever marries. Despite my feelings toward his father now, we did have a happy marriage for many years. My son was the very best part of that union, and it should be a part of his own celebration in the future. 

I went straight to the paint store from there, and painted the walls in my guest room. I've reclaimed that room from 'Crap Catcher', and am transforming it into a beautiful guest oasis. I don't want to leave the door shut on it anymore, and in the last 2 days I've worked my butt off to purge, save, organize and relocate everything that was keeping me out of that room. 

I don't remember which expert's advice it was, but 'clean out a closet' as a means of feeling better about life? Best thing I could've done for myself over my Antiversary.

Where Do You Draw The Line?

I have been officially divorced for a little over a year, but have been single for a little over 2 years. I gave myself a year off after my separation, to learn as much about myself and how to be alone as possible. I learned to be comfortable being alone, and invested a lot of time in therapy. I'm SO glad I did that hard work of unraveling the ways I was co-dependent, and understanding my contributions to the demise of my marriage. Once I began dating, I had to actually learn how to date. I'd met my husband at age 18, I was 22 when we got married, and 38 when we separated. I'd never *really* dated. WOW what a learning curve!!! I went on a couple blind dates, sewed some wild oats, got Catfished at an online dating site, and dated a few different men for short periods of time. I had allowed my ex-husband to knock me down to such a horrendous personal low, that I was always surprised when anyone was interested in me. Therapy helped me with that, and with understanding how to have a healthy relationship. 

If you've never been through a divorce, one of the things you have to do, is attend a parenting class. I took it very seriously and paid close attention to everything that was taught, because I thought there was a lot of value in learning from those that had successfully navigated co-parenting and moving on as a person with a child, who also might date. The biggest takeaway on the dating front for me was "don't introduce your kids to everyone you date." I had already decided that I wouldn't introduce my son to anyone who I knew wouldn't *stick* in our lives in some capacity. I refuse to allow a revolving door of people in his life. And? Someone has to be pretty freaking fantastic to be priveledged enough to meet and spend time with my boy.

Well, that has happened. But I don't know where to draw the line. I want the man I care about very, very much to meet the most important person in my life. I want to share the man I care about with my boy, and I want to share the pure joy that is my son, with one of the most significant men in my life. I think it is enormously important for our children to see us happy and thriving in loving, healthy relationships. How do you know if and when to make those introductions?

NOPE!

Sister Pyscho strikes again. Haven't spoken with her in 7 years. I didn't cause her bad life, didn't contribute to it, and I can't fix it. So rather than be punished by her whenever she felt like it, I had to remove her. 

This morning I woke up to a Facebook message from her that said "You're a piece of shit, and I hope you rot."

Lesson learned! Once someone earns a space on my blocked list, it will be permanent. If there are any questions about why I removed her from my life 7 years ago....re-read the message above. I can handle conflicted, obnoxious, sensitive and even crazy. But mean and cruel? NOPE.

OY!

The Universe hates me right now. Car has been at the mechanic for a week today. Diagnosis ~ new starter, and timing belt. CHA-CHING! This morning, my hot water heater in my house showed  the unmistakable signs of dying....rusty water. 

Ima need a little break on the wallet here now, mmmkay?

Car Trouble

(My boy checking out the front end of Yolanda The Honda on the first day of school)

I've had this fantastic car for 8 years. I bought it off Craig's List from a wonderful family, after 4 frustrating years of driving a gas-guzzling, nightmare-inducing, lemon quality GMC Yukon. Yolanda The Honda has been reliable, safe, and fun to drive. And drive her, I have! I've just passed 130,000 miles on the odometer, which means I've put 100,000 miles on her myself. Yesterday, she let me down for the first time. But the circumstances surrounding her *hiccup* were so lucky, I can't help but feel someone is looking out for me. I had just pulled into my driveway, but the remote on my garage door opener didn't open the door. So I turned off the car, removed the key, and opened the garage door myself. When I got back in to move the car into the garage, it wouldn't start. The battery is fine, the key would turn, but the engine wouldn't turn over. I went inside and thought I'd let the car sit for a few minutes, and I'd try again. In the meantime, I made a phone call to our family mechanic, and magically, he's recently started taking credit cards. My next call was to a local towing company, who very quickly had a driver at my house. He was able to start the car, and I was able to avoid costly towing fees. Additionally, the company didn't charge me for sending him out. As I was pulling out of my driveway to take the car to the mechanic, my friend pulled in to check on me, and was able to follow me out, and bring me back home. 

  To recap the lucky blessings....the car died in my driveway, not garage, where the tow truck could easily get to it, if it had needed to be towed. It died in my driveway, and not while I was out running errands with my son, or on my way to work in a rural area. It happened on a day when I didn't have my son with me, and I had the time to deal with getting it to the mechanic. The tow truck driver was able to work a little magic and saved me from costly towing fees, which would've been really tough on me in addition to whatever the repairs will cost. And my friend pulled into my driveway just as I was wondering how I'd get back from the mechanic. Furthermore, I've got 2 options for cars I can borrow to get back and forth from work while my car is in the shop. 

Definitely someone looking out for me. Or perhaps this is some good Karma coming back around? I need this little car to keep going at least until I've paid back friends money they lent me for my divorce attorney.  She's paid off, and I don't need a car payment right now.

Car Selfie Montage

On our way to watch the Super Bowl! I don't know if you heard....but WE WON! SEA-HAAAAWKS!!!!!

Someone was feeling a little sassy!!

Ah yes...no words necessary. However, because it's me, there will be words. This boy expresses his opinion VERY well in spite of being mostly non-verbal. He was sick, and his beloved iPad took a crap in the middle of him being out of school ill for 10 days. So I was *that* mom, and took my sick kid to the Apple store. You're welcome!! (Neither of us would've survived the remaining sick days without the iPad. HAD to do it.)

Waiting for the school bus.

Look at that kid's face....LOOK AT IT!!

Road trip!! The boy is expressing his opinion about the hour of departure.

Alright. Let's Try This Again

The people have spoken, and encouraged me to start blogging again. This is my self imposed list of commandments.....
*Thou shalt not post about friendships or people without their permission.
*Thou shalt not fall off the high road.
  ~sub-commandment related to above....*Thou shalt not take the bait from any Jerry Springer-esque people, situations, or attempts at luring me in to resulting dramas.
*Thou shall drop-kick trolls and comment-holes with the delete button, on a zero-tolerance policy. This is my blog, and I will dry-erase to create the environment I want it to communicate, with impunity.
  There will be lots of discussion about being a mom to my amazing special needs kiddo, triumphs as well as re-starts. There will be posts about spiders, as that seems to be a recurring theme in my house right now. Expect 'I Am Woman, Hear Me Roar' posts. And 'I Am Overwhelmed And Just Face-Planted In A Puddle Of Tears' essays.
  Ready? Here we go!!