This Face

Would you look at this FACE?! I realize it looks like Braeden is sporting some fancy red nails....they are mine. 😆 The only way I could get him out of his hoodie and into the light of day, was to hold the cup ransom. We had an incredibly busy day yesterday. Work and school, then immediately to a city council meeting to discuss funding for a special needs adult program in our city. Then to Speech therapy. Then to my doctor appointment to discuss my ever-changing, always problematic thyroid. We stopped for a Unicorn 🦄 frap as a treat for all of that unfun running around. Yes, I know how much sugar is in it. No, I do not care. I believe in having a little treat fun now and then. Besides....would you just look at that FACE?! #loveofmylife #goodthingsineveryday #specialneedssinglemom

Ponderous

Something I've been thinking about a lot, based on differing opinions in many areas of my life, is something I started to learn with the help of a counselor. It started there, but I had to learn it by going through a failed marriage, and a couple of long-ish failed relationships subsequently. I *heard* it from my counselor and some friends....but I didn't really GET IT until a few months after that last break up. 

My relationship with Aaron isn't the end all, be all. That should NOT be the case for ANY of us! If I've learned nothing, I've learned that relationships can end at any time. Because I've found a good one, doesn't mean the rest of my life is peaches and cream!! I have MANY, many wonderful things going for me. I appreciate every single good thing, every single day. But those things HELP me navigate the parts that are SHIT. If every part of my life sucked, I wouldn't be able to handle the special needs parenting by myself, the public trashing from my ex and his wife, the financial stress, worrying about not having any retirement, my current thyroid problem, and all of the 'what ifs'. But NO relationship *fixes* everything. And I will never put that kind of pressure on a relationship, ever again. I needed to be whole on my own. I thought I was, because I was living day to day without sinking totally underwater. But I was still longing for a relationship, and very lonely. Only when I finally threw my hands up in the air and acknowledged that I was truly fine on my own, and didn't need a man, did I get there.  I got there. Mostly kicking and screaming, but that's how I roll. 

Then I met Aaron. He enhances life. But he didn't make everything magically better. And because I found him, doesn't mean I'm not still frustrated to the point of snot-bubbling anger, over the shit my ex husband and his wife pull. It doesn't mean I don't still need to vent about my personal frustrations and worries. I am going to get a *tune up* with my counselor about how to deal with things in this stage of life, post-divorce. Because I don't like how I feel about those frustrations. I can't stress enough, how important it is to be proactive one way or another (religion, counseling, alanon meetings. Whatever works best for you) for your own mental health and well-being. 

Part of my point is that I think it's very important to listen to each other, even if our own circumstances are so different, that we don't fully understand. I think people (in general) can be very dismissive of someone else's issues or complaints, because we think they have *everything* we long for. Every person I know has something I long for. It doesn't mean I should dismiss their pain or frustrations. I've also learned the importance of actually considering the suggestions from my friends, when I do vent. It might seem like something completely inconvenient. But if I'm going to talk about it, I should darn well pay attention to the feedback.

Winning!

I need to go buy a lottery ticket!!! My luck right now is on FIRE!! I'm both giddy with delight, and half scared to death that it will come crashing down around me. I've learned to be hopeful but cautious over the last...oh....43 years. I had a tax appointment on Monday, and I went in, fully expecting to pay out what was left of my savings. My last car decimated most of my savings in the last 7 months I had her, and considering what I paid in taxes last year, I thought it was going to mean tumbleweeds in my savings after Monday. You know what? Not only did I not have to pay....I got a small refund!!!! Whuuuuut?!?! Because my income dropped by $5,700 last year, I'm in a different tax bracket. Apparently I also overpaid for my health insurance, which meant I got a refund!! EXCELLENT!!!

And of course, there's the new car that my Fairy Gawdmother bought me, my relationship with Aaron, and our boys.

Yesterday, I got my new license plates for `Aeko, AND?! A refund check for $65!!! Whuuuuuuut?!?!

I am beside myself with appreciation over all of these things! I kept hearing that my good karma would catch up. Here it is! 

"What did you call me?"

"Peri menopausal"

".............."

"That means—"

"I KNOW. I'm staring at you blankly out of shear denial that I'm actually 43 years old, and that I could actually be...."

"Peri menopausal"

"Yeah, THAT."

FURK.

The good news is, my symptoms are not likely caused by my thyroid levels being off. I didn't fit the classic symptoms of hypothyroid, like high heart rate, weight loss (damnit!) or tremors. The doctor did a more specific set of tests to make sure, which I'll get results for in a few days. If those numbers come back fine, I will need to go off birth control for about a month, and then introduce a natural progesterone to see if that helps. If it does.... peri-menopausal. I'm on birth control to help with my heavy cycles (sorry TMI!) and I'm SO scared to go off of them. The last time I went off, I broke out like a pubescent teenager, among other awfulness. But I have to try this. One can only go so long with little to no sleep. I have felt weird about being on birth control for so long too. After the birth of my son, my doctor diagnosed 'Second Degree PMS'. One of my girlfriends asked if that meant I had a black belt in PMS?

Yes. Yes I do. Wish me luck. (Or, you know, everyone around me)

"Sthonia?"

"Yes Rio?"

"Can we go to the chick-in drive thru for a gorl (grilled) cheese sandwich after KungFu?"

"We will see. Do your best, ok?"

"Ok!"

Genetics

My son had his 6 month follow up visit at Children's Hospital, in the biogenetics department. I had hoped for some answers, but that's just not how we roll. 

The genetics doctor is wonderful. At this appointment, he took photos of B's outstanding features, to share with his colleagues. He also suggested that we see a connective tissue disorder specialist at UW medical center. This doctor feels strongly that the specialist will be able to more quickly rule out which disorders should or shouldn't be tested for.

Here's the thing about genetic testing.....you don't get to just test ALL THE THINGS. Because there are millions of *things*. You must have a clear direction to shoot toward, because it is like looking for a needle in an enormous hay stack. 

This process that I started 6 months ago, to answer questions about Braeden's dislocated knees, is going to be very long, and very tedious. It feels like I opened a Costco sized can of worms. The genetic testing that was done when he was 2, was inconclusive, and barely scratched the surface. At that time, it was explained that they were testing for the *big* stuff only, and if those tests showed nothing, we would have to wait for more symptoms to appear. Enter the ACM1, and then the knee dislocations. 

One of the Syndromes the doctor mentioned yesterday as a possibility, is Shprintzen-Goldberg syndrome. 

Here is where I admit one of my *quirks*. Well....it's a coping mechanism. After these appointments, I am basically hamburger-brained for a couple of days. I am unable to flood my gray matter with any more information for a few days after. And then, I have to completely psych myself out to dive into the information. There's a very specific reason why....*deep breath*. 

It takes me a week or two, to prepare myself to read about a possible diagnosis, because I know there's a chance I will read the phrase "shortened lifespan". I know that I need to have information like that, but it is absolutely terrifying to know that I might see that in one of the diagnosis descriptions. This is one of my #bravein2017 *things*. While I wasn't brave enough to delve into the syndrome description myself, one of my wonderful girlfriends did. I'm happy to report, there were no indications that this syndrome itself causes a shortened lifespan. Yes, I cried with relief when she told me. 

Also part of being Brave in 2017, is admitting how much that stuff scares me. So here I am, with trembling fingers and tears in my eyes. Braving this shit UP. 

Another piece of this appointment, was more blood work and a urine sample. The doctor wants to rule out things like mitochondrial disorders, liver function problems, and digestion problems right away. 

How do you get a urine sample from a kid in diapers? Let me tell you.....it involves 4 apple juice boxes, a toilet receptacle, 3 cups of water, a public restroom, and a mom and grandma waiting 45 minutes for it to happen. I'm positive I said "Sit. Back. DOWN." more than 7,000 times. 

Blood work? DEARGAWD. The office staff slicked B's arms down with numbing cream this time, and wrapped them in saran wrap. Since the urine sample took 45 minutes to attain, that was plenty of time to let the numbing action work. What was NOT numbed, was B's memory of having his blood drawn previously. There was an abnormally long wait to get into the lab, and of course that's when the battery on the iPad died. Once we finally got in there, B walked calmly to the door of the phlebotomy room......laid eyes on *the chair*.....aaaaaaaand bolted straight past it and out the doors. My mom and I coaxed him back, and got him to stand in the room. But he was not going to sit in that chair. The look of fear in his eyes KILLS ME. There's nothing worse. An extra set of beefy arms came in to help, and the four of us coaxed him into the chair. I told him over and over, that it wouldn't hurt like last time, because of the cream on his arms. He wanted to believe me. I held him back against the chair, my mom leaned over me and blocked his view of the needle, and held his shoulder. The extra beef held his opposite hand and kept his legs still, and the phlebotomist got that needle in and blood drawn so fast, I couldn't believe it when he was done. 

But I will never forget any of the times I have looked my baby in the eyes and told him everything would be ok, and the needle pinch was going to be quick, and "it's almost over!! You're doing great!" While trying not to let my tears spill over. When my parenting is attacked, these are the moments that prove otherwise. I am there for EVERY appointment. Doctor, physical therapy, speech therapy, IEP, school psych evaluation. I have not once in his 16 years of life, opted out of being fully present for any appointment, and especially the unfun ones. I've slept in a chair next to his hospital bed, when he had brain surgery, and fought with a parent of another patient in the room over the damn thermostat! This is the only time I will ever publicly address that I am aware of the slander being directed at me. And to that, I say.....nothing. It is so absolutely absurd, misdirected, ridiculous, and MEAN....that it deserves NO space in my brain, beyond typing these words.  Try walking a mile in my shoes. You'll beg me to take them back.

Brave

If love alone could heal him, my son would never experience another moment of pain in his lifetime. 

Tomorrow is Braeden's 6 month follow up appointment at Seattle Children's, with the Biomedical Genetics department. There is a possibility that he will get a clinical diagnosis for Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome tomorrow. There is also the possibility that they will have a different diagnosis for him, and/or a yes or no answer from insurance about testing the blood sample they took at the last appointment. 

I'm asking for good thoughts and prayers for Braeden and I tomorrow. He will not have to undergo any more blood work, so this should be a needle-less visit for him. I'm hoping that my brain fog (I'm looking at you, stupid failing thyroid!) will clear enough for me to retain info, and ask good questions. These appointments are hard for me, so I'm also asking for the strength to NOT cry.

Adulting

Oooooh....the wheels in my brain are turning! Our special needs parent group had a meeting last week, with a respresentative from the Snohomish county human rights commission. The meeting was great, to give us as a parent group, a starting point. First task will be to determine exactly what we need and want available to our special needs kids when they turn 21.  Off the top of my head, these things....

*An extension of high school for special needs adults. College for special needs, if you will.

*A full day program, 5 days a week. Kids like Braeden, even at age 21, are not safely able to stay home alone all day. I'm a single mom. I need to work to provide for us. As it stands now, kids like him turn 21, and they are given up on. I'm fortunate to be able to take Braeden to work with me now, but several years down the road, what if I have to take a different nanny position? Will that family be willing to let me bring an adult man to work with me? 

*No restrictions like having to be toilet trained, or a one-on-one aide present. If I could afford a one-on-one aide, I wouldn't need to worry about all of this, would I?! 

*Government/city/corporate sponsor funded. In Canada, this program is an extension of the school system, and fully funded. 

*Actual teachers/professionally staffed. I love volunteers. But the fact is this; volunteers are unreliable. I want people to be paid handsomely for their hard work with Braeden, that have the ability to be there every day. 

*Curriculum. Not daycare. LEARNING. These are human beings, and not lost, unteachable causes. Much like health insurance companies had to stop limiting occupational therapy coverage to children under age 7. Braeden is teachable, and he will not magically stop being teachable at age 21. Also? He frigging HATES crafts. Sitting a kid at a craft table and calling that something to do....nope. He deserves more options as an adult. 

Please put yourselves in my position for a few minutes, and help me think of things you would ask for on Braeden's behalf? What would you do if you were a single parent of a special needs child, who needed to work? What would your dream for your child be?

HAPPY!!

After 5 long years of heartache, tears, therapy, and hard work on myself.....the tides are turning. In a very big way! 

My Fairy Gawdparents bought me a car this weekend. It's a 2013 Toyota Highlander, loaded, with only 28,000 miles. It is perfect. I researched my head off, and chose this car because it will fit a wheelchair comfortably in the cargo area, and still has room for groceries. It has room for 7 passengers, which will be good when I need to use it to haul nanny kids. That feature already came in handy this weekend! I had my guy, his two kids and a friend, and Braeden all in there comfortably. :) The Toyota-ness of it, means I can drive it for 10 years or more. It is perfect for us. AND it is the color I wanted. Which is small beans....but a definite bonus! My friend did all of the bargaining to get the lowest price, before I even knew it. He called and said, "go get your car!" My mom took us down, I drove it, and wrote a check. Seriously. 

So now I KNOW, firsthand, what happens when you do your best to do the right thing, make good choices for your child, and put things out into The Universe. 

I was at my wit's end with my last car. I couldn't afford a car payment. It's health insurance OR a car payment, not both. I stood in my kitchen, and said out loud, "I am at a dead end. I need a new car. I don't know how to make that happen. Help?" One week later, my Fairy Gawdmother called to tell me she was buying me a car. She said I'm the closest thing she has to a daughter, and she would do this for her own daughter if she had one. I didn't stop crying for a week. 

I have been car shopping since November. My Honda was continuing to cost me money, and I was offered pennies for her as a trade. My friend offered for me to drive one of their family's extra cars while I looked, so I could sell mine outright. Another friend bought my Honda as a commuter car, one day after I put it up for sale. I said out loud to my guy that I was going to sell it to them for  $X,XXX. Which is exactly what they offered. 

Seriously.

The looking has been the hardest part. And last Thursday, I was at a point of total frustration. So I stopped looking for a day. I said out loud "Universe? I would like a black Toyota Highlander, with low miles and leather." The NEXT DAY....my friend called and said "It's in Burien. It is black, and has 28,000 miles. I negotiated them down to almost your budget." My friend who lent me the car for the interim, threw in the rest of the money to get me there. 

Seriously. 

I picked it up on Saturday. 

Seriously. 

Also this weekend.....My boy and I were invited to spend both days at basketball games for my guy's older son. I made it for the championship game on Saturday (they WON!!) and the whole game on Sunday. We were invited back to their house for lunch and to hang out. It was perfection. His boys are embracing B and I fully, and seem to be basking in the mother-figure attention. I was brimming tears all day, because I am so fucking HAPPY!!! 

A little over a year ago, I wrote that Sharpie Wish. It is all coming true. I don't have the words to adequately express how thankful I am. 

Anxious

As moms, I think most of us tend to anticipate our kid's needs pretty early on. 

As the mom of a non-verbal special needs kiddo, I think I honed that skill a little earlier than most. Sure, there were a couple of broken toes that went a day or so without a doctor visit, but that's because my kid has the pain threshold of a rhinoceros. He doesn't complain about pain unless it is REALLY bad. 

This morning, I noticed B looked like his neck was stiff. I asked if he was in pain, he shook his head very slightly and said "no!". Off to school he went. 

This afternoon, he came home looking noticeably stiff-necked, and uncomfortable. When I asked him what hurt, he pointed to his shoulder. These are the times when the non-verbal piece is the most difficult. 

REALLY hoping he just slept wrong. But when your kid has Arnold Chiari Malformation Type 1, you go from 0mph to 60mph in 2.2 seconds on the anxiety-meter when something is up with his head or neck. 

I gave him ibuprofen, canceled speech therapy, and he will get to lounge as long as he wants in a warm bath. 

?

My boy will be at his high school, in the life skills program until he is 21 years of age. I will need to continue with a job like I currently have, until at least that time, so I can be home to get him off the bus every day. 

But what happens after he turns 21? He's not likely to have the capacity to have a job. He will live with me. There's a very good chance he will still be incontinent. Will he sit at home alone and play on his iPad, while I work? At the age of 16, he can't be left alone. Will 21 look very different? 

Yes, these are the things that keep me up at night. 

One of my son's teachers sent a link to this article last week. https://www.panoramitalia.com/en/life-people/profiles/special-school-learning-strive-galileo-adult-education-centre/4126/ We, as a parent/educator group are brain storming ideas about how to implement this kind of program. It would make a world of difference. 

GAH!!!

BLOGGER APP!! Get your shit together! I just finished typing an entire post, and hit 'publish', only to have the whole thing disappear. Aaaaaargh!!!! 

So here's my post for today. DAMNIT! 

SO Pedictable

OH that silly Universe....immediately testing my resolve to not give any attention to things that don't matter, and Mean Girls who are seeking attention and trying to pick fights out of thin air. 

I won't give it legs by explaining. 

I will continue to put my boy first, as I have ALWAYS done. As I will always DO. My number one responsibility is my boy. The rest is just NOISE. Thanks for so definitively pointing that out! 

#bravein2017

'Sploded

Today started off badly. BAAADLY. I had a rough emotional night last night, and had my ass handed to me. For which I am very grateful, because I needed it. I'm proud that I was brave (#bravein2017) enough to face it, and put it to bed.

But it was HARD. 

This morning I woke up with a wickedly brutal headache. Between Shark Week and the emotional hangover, it was a DOOZY. 

When I got to work, I was met with peels of laughter and good morning wishes by my youngest nanny charge. Like her mother and I, she is not a morning person, but today was different, and it was glorious. On our way to school, I was asking her my standard questions. 

"How did you sleep?"

"Did you have sweet dreams?"

"Think of ways to show kindness!"

Today, instead of just answering my questions, she asked some of her own.

"Sthonia, how did YOU sleep? Did you have sweet dreams?" I told her that I slept well, and I had sweet dreams. 

"Why are you holding your neck?"

When I explained that I had a very bad headache, she so very sweetly said "Aawww...Sthonia...I'm so saaaawrry your head hurts. I wish it didn't." 

When I picked her up from school a couple of hours later and took her home, I got her settled. Then I explained that I needed to lay down for a few minutes while she played, to see if the medicine would kick in and help my head. She climbed up next to me on the couch and stroked my hair with one hand, and put her sweet little sparkly nail polished fingers in the palm of my other hand. She sat with me like that for 20 minutes. And you know what? It worked. *boooooooffff* 

So now I'm walking around with an exploded heart. :) 

Disgusting.

My head just exploded. 

This makes my stomach turn. 

There is no excuse for this.

I have no words. 

Coach

There is something truly special about a person who chooses a career based on their passions in life. 

Last night my son and I attended the end of year banquet for the varsity basketball team my boyfriend coaches. He's a full time dad, teacher, varsity coach, and coaches both of his son's league basketball teams. 

Listening to him talk about his sons, his team, and his mom last night.....moved me to tears. A man who is so dedicated to his kids and helping all kids achieve their goals is something to behold. I can't adequately describe how happy it makes me to witness this firsthand. I have always believed that if you do something you love, it won't feel like work. I found someone else who believes that, and has put it into practice himself. 

Endings

It's been 9 years and 11 months, 2 sets of tires, 144,718 miles, and a whooole lot more money than I want to put in type. But this morning, Yolanda The Honda went to her new home on a beautiful hill on Camano Island. The radio played all the best music, and the weather cooperated for me to have the sunroof open, and I got to use her V-6 the way it was intended. She was a race car all the way up Marine Drive, for her farewell journey.  

Yolanda The Honda, you were a dream car for 9 years, and a pain in the BUTT for the last 1. Thank you for safely transporting my boy and I, in style for so many years. ☺

Sunlight

This man understands and truly enjoys spending time with my son. In turn, his boys are not intimidated by my son either, and are getting to know him. I keep looking at this photo, and my heart keeps exploding over and over again. They were making shadow puppets in the sunlight, while we were spending the afternoon together. I feel so incredibly lucky. 

Pestilence

Oooooffff. It's been a rough 48 hours. My kiddo has been sick, and his cold/bug/whatever is now (thankfully) starting to break up. The good news is that it's on the upswing toward recovery. The bad news....it means neither of us gets any sleep. When my boy gets a cold, it isn't *just* a cold....it's massive barfing caused by post-nasal drainage. I end up lying there awake, listening for that dread gagging sound. I can't get him to stay on his side to keep him from aspirating the barf. When he was little, I would set up Barf Camp in the big white fluffy chair and hold him in the crook of my arm. I could prop us up with pillows and we could get a few hours of sleep here and there. But now, he's a good 5 inches taller than me. We don't fit in the big fluffy white chair anymore. So now, I leave both of our doors open, situate him on his side, and stuff pillows under his back to try to keep him there......and I listen. 

The family I work for has been battling illness after illness as well, so coming to work I'm in the nurse/Barf Camp business as well. The poor little girl I watch is down for the count again, and I feel so bad for her! Yesterday she got so mad and caterwauled "Being sick is STUPID!! I don't wanna be SICK ANYMORE!!" Agreed baby girl!! 

This level of tired is nauseating. Sleep deprivation is a form of torture, right? I know why! 

While I wait for everyone at work to wake up and get moving for the day, I'm going to combat my exhausted crankiness with some gratefulness.

I'm grateful for; (In no particular order)

*My son's giggles, even when he doesn't feel well.

*My job. I love it. SO MUCH. And right now I'm having coffee, and oatmeal, with a gorgeous view, while snow softly falls. *sigh*

*My man's awesome upbeat attitude, even first thing in the morning, even during a phone call. (I loathe mornings and speaking on the phone)

*My cute, cozy, perfect for Braeden and I, home.

*My weekends off of parenting. Because duuuuuuude...when else am I going to sleep?

*My friends and family. 

*Coffee. Coffees. Aaaallllll the coffee.

*Boooooofffff*

One aspect of dating in your 40's, that I don't think we hear enough about, is kid introductions. The details about when is the best time, and how to do it can be very intimidating. 

I only introduced my son to two men I've dated. The last relationship I was in, for 7 months. And now this current relationship, which is at 6 months. I did the introduction with my current boyfriend earlier than I have in the past. I saw a future with him, and I really liked him. I wanted him to meet the love of my life early on, so if he wanted to bolt (like they've done in the past) he would do it before I'd fallen for him. 

He didn't bolt. He's sticking. :) AND he *gets* my boy. Like, REALLY gets my boy. Enjoys spending time with us, and asks great questions to try to understand my son's special needs. It is something to behold. I've suffered multiple heart explosions ever since, and I don't see that ending any time soon.

One of my favorite things about this man, is his love and dedication to kids. His career is kid-central. He coaches a high school team, and both of his son's teams. He has full custody of his boys. He is a wonderful person, and he loves kids. 

During the parenting class I took before my divorce was final, they taught that kids shouldn't be introduced in every relationship. That introductions should be saved for serious, long-term relationships. I took that to heart. And honestly....most of them weren't worthy of knowing my kiddo. 

Fast forward to last weekend. I've met my boyfriend's sons. We waited until they started asking to meet me, so it was on their terms. I met them at one of the games he coached, and it went very well. Last Friday, his youngest asked for me to sit near them for the final game of the season, which was HUGE. I sat near them, but stayed outside their bubble. I didn't want to overwhelm them. Within 15 minutes, the youngest had sidled right up to me, and was sharing photos on his phone. 

Sunday we took the monumental step of me joining them for a Super Bowl party. I picked them up, and had hot cocoa waiting in the car. (Hey. I'm a mom. I know the value of a good bribe.) We had a great drive there, with lots of laughs and jokes. The event itself went fabulously well, and by halftime, the youngest was sitting half in his dad's lap, half in mine. 

And the final hurdle; introducing my son to my boyfriend's boys. I left the viewing party early to pick my boy up at his father's and brought him back. They all did VERY well. A's boys had previously asked many good questions, so they knew he wouldn't be able to communicate the way they were used to, and they fully embraced that he is made differently than they are. We all rode home to their house together, and had giggles the whole way. When I dropped them off, the boys both doubled back to hug me. I wasn't expecting that, at ALL, and it was fantastic! 

This part of our relationship moving forward couldn't possibly have gone better than it did. Truly. When Braeden and I got home, I asked him via IPad how he felt about it, and he said "good! Fun!". The happy tears have been flowing freely. 

 

I don't understand hateful behavior.....and I vow to never hate anyone as much as he must hate me, to be happy at the prospect of me suffering a major car malfunction. 

I have been under tremendous stress, well, since becoming a mother. But in the last few months, it feels like it never rains, but it pours. My kiddo has a gnarly cold, which translates to massive barf, bloody noses, and restless nights.  My nanny family has been really sick off and on with probably the same cold. My home's new water pressure pump started leaking. I've dumped about $3,500 into my car in less than a year. That's more than the car is worth, and I'm done throwing money at it. I am extremely blessed by my Fairy Godmother, who is buying me a new car. Yes. That is happening. I just have to find The One. CRAZY!! There's no way I can do it for myself. It's health insurance, OR a car payment....not both.  Last week, I had a buyer for my current car. I took it in for an oil change, and to have the brake fluid refilled. The dealership tried to jilt me out of $1,700 worth of work, and told me the car was unsafe to drive. WHAT?! They insisted that it needed new brakes, front AND back, and a new master cylinder. Uh, NO. I called my mechanic, and he got it out of lockdown for me. It needed a new rear caliper and new rear brake pads ONLY. Front brakes were at 50%. So it cost me $400, but she's up and running again. This whole thing has stressed me OUT. 

FUCK YOU, KLEIN HONDA IN EVERETT WASHINGTON!!!! 

*ahem*

Anyway. I've been driving my 'work' vehicle for a week, while my car is in the shop. My work rig is ridiculously beautiful, and my employers spoil me rotten letting me use it when my car is throwing a hissy fit. It's a 2015 Cadillac Escalade. Glorious. So my ex husband has seen me driving it for a week. 

Today, my son had early release from school. And as per usual, his father didn't make adjustments to his work schedule to accommodate an earlier pickup. That would be "extra" time with his son, and he doesn't do that. 

I was herding my boy, and my nanny charge outside. My boy to his father's truck, and my nanny charge into the Escalade so I could take her to KungFu. My ex approached me to ask why I was driving the Escalade. 

Him (barely repressing a smirk) "So...why are you driving that so much? Did your car die?"

Me "I'm on kid duty...?"

Him "Oh. I thought your car had finally croaked and died." Except now, he was full on SMILING at the prospect of me being without a car. This is not the first time he's found joy in my broken whatevers. When my house water pump died last summer, he thought that was HILARIOUS. 

Let's pause and think about that for a minute....what if my car died while I had our son with me? Which? HIGHLY LIKELY, considering that I have him 90% of the time!! Why would he find something to smile about in that?! If my expenses take a big increase because I need a new car, then SO WILL HIS when we review child support!!  His current wife has a brand new SUV, and he has been driving the same old truck for 13 years. Would it be funny if she and her kids were stranded without a car? NO! That's probably why she has a brand new car! Do I want my ex stuck on the side of the road somewhere, potentially with our son?! HELL NO! 

In spite of my incredulousness, I was able to immediately thank The Universe for giving me yet another glaring example of how I'm better off now. While I'm pissed at his nastiness, I'm no longer surprised. Honestly, I feel more sorry for him now, than ever before. He must be miserable, to continue to be so cruel. I imagine that upholding that glittery façade of 'never been happier' must be exhausting. Happy people don't find joy in other people's misfortune. 

Sweetness

Just wanted to share some sweetness that I'm so grateful for.....

I've had two major relationships since my split with my son's father. First with Amazon exec for 1.5 years. He never met my son, and treated me like a dirty little secret. He was always intimidated by my son's special needs. Specifically the sensory barfing. He just married the woman he dumped me for. 

Relationship #2, was Text Dumper. 7 months. He met my son, and did well with him. I think he dumped me for two reasons. First, he was a "grass is greener" guy. He landed me, so who else can he *get*? And I think the reality of me never being an empty nester, became too much for him. His boys were my son's age, but would be leaving home at college time. 

Fast forward to Aaron. We've been together 5 months, and it is going great. I met his boys last weekend for the first time, and it went well. We're taking that slow. I introduced him to my son very early on. After the previous two experiences, I wanted him to meet my boy early. If he was going to cut bait and run, I wanted him to do it before I fell in love with him. 

He didn't run. He's sticking! :) And he *gets* my boy. Truly understands who he is. Last night while we were talking on the phone, he said "I can't wait for the first major barf incident!"

What?! 

I said just that....."what?!"

He replied that he knows it will happen, and it's just a part of that awesome kid, and he can handle it.

WHAT?! Braeden's own father couldn't hang.....and this man is not only embracing The BarfMaster 2000, he is welcoming the challenges of the hardest part of this?!

I cried. BAWLED. I don't know how I got so lucky.

Six Months

Long time no write!!! Saaaaawrry....but I've been busy living, and being heart-explody (booooooffffff) and stuff. 

Yes. You read that right. 

Aaaaaaaalllllll of those sayings and platitudes .....that used to PISS ME OFF....

"He's just not done with his own trials and ready for you yet!" 

"Spend time doing the things you love, and you'll find him within living your best life!"

"He's out there!"

"Time heals, give it time!"

Uh...they're all true. 

Remember when I said Mr. Right would have to find me in the laundry room at work, folding underwear, while wearing sweats, no makeup and a baseball hat? (Me. Not him. Although he probably was wearing sweats, no makeup and a baseball hat) That's exactly the scenario when I got the first text from him. 

We've been together for 5 months now, and I am so blissed out, I am genuinely sure I will be making you all barf with the schmoopiness of it all. 

I am here to tell you that the platitudes and glittery cloud memes are TRUE. That "just keep swimming" works. Living your life true to yourself, and what you want, brings good things? T-R-U-E! 

I may still get through trials kicking and screaming, and muttering obscenities under my breath. I'm not going to start farting glitter now. Well, not ALL the time. But now I have again been reminded that there is always light at the end of the tunnel. And this time, it's not a train! 

I should also point out that I FULLY understand that life throws curve balls, people change their minds and hearts, and nothing is forever. 

But Ima enjoy the crap out of every good moment, sweet comment and date night. If we're REALLY lucky, we'll look up and be old and gray, still holding hands.