Huh.

Turns out that seething anger I let go of recently, was a bit of a security blanket. While I feel so much lighter for dropping the figurative weight of it.... Now I'm dealing with the raw nerves exposed in the aftermath.  A much healthier thing to deal with, to be sure. But painful and difficult nonetheless. My best description is 'emotional hangover'. I would rather be dealing with this piece of the healing process, than still lugging that anger. But yikes....feeling a bit like I was mowed down by a dump truck. The next little while will be about putting one foot in front of the other, and breathing, and not much else.

Friday

Will be heretofore known as *The Day I Reclaimed My Power*

My ex husband and I had a 45 minute discussion in front of our son, about how to address his new behaviors and how to support him through these big changes. I would've said we discussed it "with" our son, but he's non-verbal. Having him in the room and listening is as close as we get to "with".

It went extremely well. And I got the opportunity to put down a boundary with my ex about "our" behavior. I told him in no uncertain terms that we could continue to have these kinds of discussions as long as "we" could behave. It felt really good to say it, and now he knows I MEAN IT. I'm not playing. In spite of that rather uncomfortable few moments, I feel like it went very well. 

As a result, I pushed the 1,000 pound grudge off of my forehead. Officially. I'm no longer seething with hatred for those people who've treated me like crap for 4+ years. I have ZERO expectations of them. I will keep doing the right thing. I'll keep being the best mom I can be. I'll keep taking care of myself. But I'm no longer carrying the burden of hating their guts. No matter what they do or say, I'm doing great. It feels really good.

Another side affect of letting go of the anger by having a difficult conversation, and taking my power back....I'm fearless. Totally and completely unafraid to say the difficult things. And 100% NOT. TAKING. ANYONE'S. SHIT. ANYMORE. 

I Never Actually Choked On My Pride, Any Of The Times I've Had To Swallow It

With the encouragement of a very good friend, I worked up the nerve to discuss my son's new behaviors with my ex-husband. It went very, very well. I explained what happened, and asked if I could count on him as backup. He agreed, and said he would be willing to sit down with us and have a discussion. I asked him to think about it a bit, and we could decide how to handle that discussion. It's important to me that my boy knows he can safely express his frustrations, but that he can't push me or put his hands on anyone else. I hope his father can find a good middle ground in his approach. We shall see. But I was very pleasantly surprised that the initial conversation went as well as it did. He thanked me for talking to him about it, he knew it must've been hard for me to do, because "we've been through some shit." Here's hoping this is a step in the right direction toward doing what's best for our son.

Ch-ch-ch-changes

I have reached a very difficult stage with my son. He is now physically bigger than I am, and has begun to push past me when I'm talking to him, or getting after him. I don't know how to handle it. He's in the throes of puberty, and his usual sweet, calm demeanor is definitely changing. I feel very alone, and very anxious. 

I started running in earnest today, to prep for my next 5k. It felt really good to get outside and break a sweat. Time to put myself back toward the top of the priority list. How can I be the best version of myself, and the best mom I can be, if I don't? 

2016.....BAM!

2016 is off to a running start! I ran my first organized 5k with some girlfriends. Now? I'm hooked on fun runs. It was REI's 'The Worst Day Of The Year' run at McMenamin's Anderson School. We stayed the night before at the venue, and got crap sleep, but did it anyway! I did exactly ZERO training, but managed to run most of it anyway. Next up? Run or Wine in February. 

The following morning, myself and two of the ladies above, headed off to meet another friend in Whistler B. C. For a(nother) girls weekend. 

Inaugural use of my passport! And yes, I AM dorky enough to ask the customs agent to stamp my passport. Which he did. :) 

 We got there by halftime and caught the rest of the Seahawks game. We won! It wasn't pretty, but we won!

We were there for 2 days. While much of it was a blur, we do have photo proof (thank you, selfie stick!) of what we were up to. The Peak-To-Peak was a highlight!  And thanks to our obnoxious shenanigans, the lift operators let us ride alone, so we had the gondolas to ourselves. 

SO. Much. Laughter!! The BEST!!! I met a steel tycoon from Pittsburgh, and had a really great chat. Next to laughing until my cheeks hurt, I love meeting and talking to new people. You can never have too many friends. 

The minute I decided to stop looking for a possible partner, and declared myself "NOT DATING!!" (Not a public declaration, just something I decided) dudes are coming out of the woodwork. WTF?! I'm still healing a broken heart, and therefore not dating indefinitely. So here's to running 5k's, enjoying life with my son, and laughing as much as possible! #goodthingsineveryday 

Our New Year Vacation

As a family, my ex husband, son and I used to go to our friend's cabin on the river for Christmas. We *ran away* for the holiday because some family members couldn't share us. So we removed ourselves from the equation, and made a Christmas tradition the way we wanted Christmas to be. A cabin in the snow, on a river, with a fireplace. It was so, so beautiful. 

Then The Life Explosion happened, right before Christmas. It ruined the holiday for me, and every year since, I've fought quite hard to get the joy back for myself. I put on a good front for my son, but I haven't really enjoyed it myself. This year (see December post) has been much better. My core group of girlfriends get together with our families in a neighborhood that goes ALL out with lights and decorations. One of the hubbies built a covered 'SnoHo Manger' out of his work trailer, and decorated it with lights and bales of straw to tow us all around for light judging. SO. FUN. 

I didn't have my son for the week before Christmas, but I kept very busy with work. I got him back early on Christmas morning.

 We opened gifts at home, then high-tailed it to a friend's house in LaConner for Christmas champagne brunch.

The brunch was delicious, and it was so nice to spend time with friends and their families. After that, we went to my brother's house. His wife made an delicious turkey dinner for Braeden and I, and our parents. My niece is just a year old, and really seemed to understand Christmas this year. So fun! 

We had our celebrations all wrapped up by the baby's bedtime, and headed for home. Braeden was happily ready to climb into bed and read, while I took down our decorations. I had it all down and boxes back up by 10pm. Might be kinda *scroogey*, but when I'm done with something, I'm DONE. :)

And then we got to make a new tradition. My employer lent me his big beast of a 4WD truck. Braeden and I got to go back to the cabin, but to celebrate the new year instead of Christmas. 

I was going to be off work for the week anyway, as the family had plans for a California adventure. So we went!!!

ROAD TRIIIIP!!!! The drive over went great! Didn't need the 4WD until we reached town, and it was very easy to get around.

I learned about diesel rigs, and that they need to be plugged in during freezing temps.... -15 degrees F, meant it was frozen solid the first night. After some frantic texts to my brother "HOLY SHIT!!! DID I JUST RUIN AN $80K TRUCK?!?!".....I was assured that all I needed to do was plug in the engine block heater. *phew*

We had a BLAST!!! Braeden remembered the cabin and was very happy to be back. Because it was so cold, I thought our snow time would be limited. NOOOPE! We were out there a minimum of 2.5 hours, every time. 

We had an amazing trip! We stayed 5 days, and the cabin owners were there too. Which was SO great. My friend Lyndy has found love again after being widowed in 2009. This was my first real exposure to her beau, and I adore him. 

New Year's Eve, I popped a bottle of champagne at 9pm, toasted the new year with something like "THIS one is NOT going to suck!", and we were in bed by 10pm. It was perfectly us! :)

On the morning we were planning to head home, the weather report changed drastically, so I had a very hurried *slam everything into our luggage* hour. We got on the road before the snow was coming down. But we drove straight INTO it....

It was a very slow drive home! 35mph all the way over the pass. But we were safe, and everything went fine. 

So here's to better things in 2016. This year I will know my worth, practice better self care, forgive myself for my mistakes, stretch comfort zones for myself and my son, and accept EVERY. SINGLE. OPPORTUNITY. FOR. FUN. AND. ADVENTURE!!!! 

Is It Negative Self Talk, Or Realism?

I've learned to expect people to disappoint me. Disappear. It's not a surprise anymore, but it is upsetting. Especially if I let myself be vulnerable. I don't do that easily anymore. I'm sure it's easier to *ghost* someone, than to have a difficult conversation. But it is much harder on the ghostee, and is a chicken shit way to handle anything. I've learned over and over again now, to expect the worst from people.