Wednesday, March 29, 2017

"What did you call me?"
"Peri menopausal"
".............."
"That means—"
"I KNOW. I'm staring at you blankly out of shear denial that I'm actually 43 years old, and that I could actually be...."
"Peri menopausal"
"Yeah, THAT."

FURK.

The good news is, my symptoms are not likely caused by my thyroid levels being off. I didn't fit the classic symptoms of hypothyroid, like high heart rate, weight loss (damnit!) or tremors. The doctor did a more specific set of tests to make sure, which I'll get results for in a few days. If those numbers come back fine, I will need to go off birth control for about a month, and then introduce a natural progesterone to see if that helps. If it does.... peri-menopausal. I'm on birth control to help with my heavy cycles (sorry TMI!) and I'm SO scared to go off of them. The last time I went off, I broke out like a pubescent teenager, among other awfulness. But I have to try this. One can only go so long with little to no sleep. I have felt weird about being on birth control for so long too. After the birth of my son, my doctor diagnosed 'Second Degree PMS'. One of my girlfriends asked if that meant I had a black belt in PMS?

Yes. Yes I do. Wish me luck. (Or, you know, everyone around me)

Tuesday, March 28, 2017





"Sthonia?"
"Yes Rio?"
"Can we go to the chick-in drive thru for a gorl (grilled) cheese sandwich after KungFu?"
"We will see. Do your best, ok?"
"Ok!"

Wednesday, March 22, 2017

Genetics

My son had his 6 month follow up visit at Children's Hospital, in the biogenetics department. I had hoped for some answers, but that's just not how we roll. 

The genetics doctor is wonderful. At this appointment, he took photos of B's outstanding features, to share with his colleagues. He also suggested that we see a connective tissue disorder specialist at UW medical center. This doctor feels strongly that the specialist will be able to more quickly rule out which disorders should or shouldn't be tested for.

Here's the thing about genetic testing.....you don't get to just test ALL THE THINGS. Because there are millions of *things*. You must have a clear direction to shoot toward, because it is like looking for a needle in an enormous hay stack. 

This process that I started 6 months ago, to answer questions about Braeden's dislocated knees, is going to be very long, and very tedious. It feels like I opened a Costco sized can of worms. The genetic testing that was done when he was 2, was inconclusive, and barely scratched the surface. At that time, it was explained that they were testing for the *big* stuff only, and if those tests showed nothing, we would have to wait for more symptoms to appear. Enter the ACM1, and then the knee dislocations. 

One of the Syndromes the doctor mentioned yesterday as a possibility, is Shprintzen-Goldberg syndrome. 

Here is where I admit one of my *quirks*. Well....it's a coping mechanism. After these appointments, I am basically hamburger-brained for a couple of days. I am unable to flood my gray matter with any more information for a few days after. And then, I have to completely psych myself out to dive into the information. There's a very specific reason why....*deep breath*. 

It takes me a week or two, to prepare myself to read about a possible diagnosis, because I know there's a chance I will read the phrase "shortened lifespan". I know that I need to have information like that, but it is absolutely terrifying to know that I might see that in one of the diagnosis descriptions. This is one of my #bravein2017 *things*. While I wasn't brave enough to delve into the syndrome description myself, one of my wonderful girlfriends did. I'm happy to report, there were no indications that this syndrome itself causes a shortened lifespan. Yes, I cried with relief when she told me. 

Also part of being Brave in 2017, is admitting how much that stuff scares me. So here I am, with trembling fingers and tears in my eyes. Braving this shit UP. 

Another piece of this appointment, was more blood work and a urine sample. The doctor wants to rule out things like mitochondrial disorders, liver function problems, and digestion problems right away. 

How do you get a urine sample from a kid in diapers? Let me tell you.....it involves 4 apple juice boxes, a toilet receptacle, 3 cups of water, a public restroom, and a mom and grandma waiting 45 minutes for it to happen. I'm positive I said "Sit. Back. DOWN." more than 7,000 times. 

Blood work? DEARGAWD. The office staff slicked B's arms down with numbing cream this time, and wrapped them in saran wrap. Since the urine sample took 45 minutes to attain, that was plenty of time to let the numbing action work. What was NOT numbed, was B's memory of having his blood drawn previously. There was an abnormally long wait to get into the lab, and of course that's when the battery on the iPad died. Once we finally got in there, B walked calmly to the door of the phlebotomy room......laid eyes on *the chair*.....aaaaaaaand bolted straight past it and out the doors. My mom and I coaxed him back, and got him to stand in the room. But he was not going to sit in that chair. The look of fear in his eyes KILLS ME. There's nothing worse. An extra set of beefy arms came in to help, and the four of us coaxed him into the chair. I told him over and over, that it wouldn't hurt like last time, because of the cream on his arms. He wanted to believe me. I held him back against the chair, my mom leaned over me and blocked his view of the needle, and held his shoulder. The extra beef held his opposite hand and kept his legs still, and the phlebotomist got that needle in and blood drawn so fast, I couldn't believe it when he was done. 

But I will never forget any of the times I have looked my baby in the eyes and told him everything would be ok, and the needle pinch was going to be quick, and "it's almost over!! You're doing great!" While trying not to let my tears spill over. When my parenting is attacked, these are the moments that prove otherwise. I am there for EVERY appointment. Doctor, physical therapy, speech therapy, IEP, school psych evaluation. I have not once in his 16 years of life, opted out of being fully present for any appointment, and especially the unfun ones. I've slept in a chair next to his hospital bed, when he had brain surgery, and fought with a parent of another patient in the room over the damn thermostat! This is the only time I will ever publicly address that I am aware of the slander being directed at me. And to that, I say.....nothing. It is so absolutely absurd, misdirected, ridiculous, and MEAN....that it deserves NO space in my brain, beyond typing these words.  Try walking a mile in my shoes. You'll beg me to take them back.

Monday, March 20, 2017

Brave

If love alone could heal him, my son would never experience another moment of pain in his lifetime. 

Tomorrow is Braeden's 6 month follow up appointment at Seattle Children's, with the Biomedical Genetics department. There is a possibility that he will get a clinical diagnosis for Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome tomorrow. There is also the possibility that they will have a different diagnosis for him, and/or a yes or no answer from insurance about testing the blood sample they took at the last appointment. 

I'm asking for good thoughts and prayers for Braeden and I tomorrow. He will not have to undergo any more blood work, so this should be a needle-less visit for him. I'm hoping that my brain fog (I'm looking at you, stupid failing thyroid!) will clear enough for me to retain info, and ask good questions. These appointments are hard for me, so I'm also asking for the strength to NOT cry.

Sunday, March 19, 2017

Adulting

Oooooh....the wheels in my brain are turning! Our special needs parent group had a meeting last week, with a respresentative from the Snohomish county human rights commission. The meeting was great, to give us as a parent group, a starting point. First task will be to determine exactly what we need and want available to our special needs kids when they turn 21.  Off the top of my head, these things....

*An extension of high school for special needs adults. College for special needs, if you will.

*A full day program, 5 days a week. Kids like Braeden, even at age 21, are not safely able to stay home alone all day. I'm a single mom. I need to work to provide for us. As it stands now, kids like him turn 21, and they are given up on. I'm fortunate to be able to take Braeden to work with me now, but several years down the road, what if I have to take a different nanny position? Will that family be willing to let me bring an adult man to work with me? 

*No restrictions like having to be toilet trained, or a one-on-one aide present. If I could afford a one-on-one aide, I wouldn't need to worry about all of this, would I?! 

*Government/city/corporate sponsor funded. In Canada, this program is an extension of the school system, and fully funded. 

*Actual teachers/professionally staffed. I love volunteers. But the fact is this; volunteers are unreliable. I want people to be paid handsomely for their hard work with Braeden, that have the ability to be there every day. 

*Curriculum. Not daycare. LEARNING. These are human beings, and not lost, unteachable causes. Much like health insurance companies had to stop limiting occupational therapy coverage to children under age 7. Braeden is teachable, and he will not magically stop being teachable at age 21. Also? He frigging HATES crafts. Sitting a kid at a craft table and calling that something to do....nope. He deserves more options as an adult. 

Please put yourselves in my position for a few minutes, and help me think of things you would ask for on Braeden's behalf? What would you do if you were a single parent of a special needs child, who needed to work? What would your dream for your child be?

Monday, March 13, 2017

HAPPY!!

After 5 long years of heartache, tears, therapy, and hard work on myself.....the tides are turning. In a very big way! 

My Fairy Gawdparents bought me a car this weekend. It's a 2013 Toyota Highlander, loaded, with only 28,000 miles. It is perfect. I researched my head off, and chose this car because it will fit a wheelchair comfortably in the cargo area, and still has room for groceries. It has room for 7 passengers, which will be good when I need to use it to haul nanny kids. That feature already came in handy this weekend! I had my guy, his two kids and a friend, and Braeden all in there comfortably. :) The Toyota-ness of it, means I can drive it for 10 years or more. It is perfect for us. AND it is the color I wanted. Which is small beans....but a definite bonus! My friend did all of the bargaining to get the lowest price, before I even knew it. He called and said, "go get your car!" My mom took us down, I drove it, and wrote a check. Seriously. 

So now I KNOW, firsthand, what happens when you do your best to do the right thing, make good choices for your child, and put things out into The Universe. 

I was at my wit's end with my last car. I couldn't afford a car payment. It's health insurance OR a car payment, not both. I stood in my kitchen, and said out loud, "I am at a dead end. I need a new car. I don't know how to make that happen. Help?" One week later, my Fairy Gawdmother called to tell me she was buying me a car. She said I'm the closest thing she has to a daughter, and she would do this for her own daughter if she had one. I didn't stop crying for a week. 

I have been car shopping since November. My Honda was continuing to cost me money, and I was offered pennies for her as a trade. My friend offered for me to drive one of their family's extra cars while I looked, so I could sell mine outright. Another friend bought my Honda as a commuter car, one day after I put it up for sale. I said out loud to my guy that I was going to sell it to them for  $X,XXX. Which is exactly what they offered. 

Seriously.

The looking has been the hardest part. And last Thursday, I was at a point of total frustration. So I stopped looking for a day. I said out loud "Universe? I would like a black Toyota Highlander, with low miles and leather." The NEXT DAY....my friend called and said "It's in Burien. It is black, and has 28,000 miles. I negotiated them down to almost your budget." My friend who lent me the car for the interim, threw in the rest of the money to get me there. 

Seriously. 

I picked it up on Saturday. 



Seriously. 

Also this weekend.....My boy and I were invited to spend both days at basketball games for my guy's older son. I made it for the championship game on Saturday (they WON!!) and the whole game on Sunday. We were invited back to their house for lunch and to hang out. It was perfection. His boys are embracing B and I fully, and seem to be basking in the mother-figure attention. I was brimming tears all day, because I am so fucking HAPPY!!! 


A little over a year ago, I wrote that Sharpie Wish. It is all coming true. I don't have the words to adequately express how thankful I am. 



Wednesday, March 8, 2017

Anxious

As moms, I think most of us tend to anticipate our kid's needs pretty early on. 

As the mom of a non-verbal special needs kiddo, I think I honed that skill a little earlier than most. Sure, there were a couple of broken toes that went a day or so without a doctor visit, but that's because my kid has the pain threshold of a rhinoceros. He doesn't complain about pain unless it is REALLY bad. 

This morning, I noticed B looked like his neck was stiff. I asked if he was in pain, he shook his head very slightly and said "no!". Off to school he went. 

This afternoon, he came home looking noticeably stiff-necked, and uncomfortable. When I asked him what hurt, he pointed to his shoulder. These are the times when the non-verbal piece is the most difficult. 

REALLY hoping he just slept wrong. But when your kid has Arnold Chiari Malformation Type 1, you go from 0mph to 60mph in 2.2 seconds on the anxiety-meter when something is up with his head or neck. 

I gave him ibuprofen, canceled speech therapy, and he will get to lounge as long as he wants in a warm bath. 

Monday, March 6, 2017

?

My boy will be at his high school, in the life skills program until he is 21 years of age. I will need to continue with a job like I currently have, until at least that time, so I can be home to get him off the bus every day. 

But what happens after he turns 21? He's not likely to have the capacity to have a job. He will live with me. There's a very good chance he will still be incontinent. Will he sit at home alone and play on his iPad, while I work? At the age of 16, he can't be left alone. Will 21 look very different? 

Yes, these are the things that keep me up at night. 

One of my son's teachers sent a link to this article last week. https://www.panoramitalia.com/en/life-people/profiles/special-school-learning-strive-galileo-adult-education-centre/4126/ We, as a parent/educator group are brain storming ideas about how to implement this kind of program. It would make a world of difference. 

Thursday, March 2, 2017

GAH!!!

BLOGGER APP!! Get your shit together! I just finished typing an entire post, and hit 'publish', only to have the whole thing disappear. Aaaaaargh!!!! 

So here's my post for today. DAMNIT!