THIS Boy!

LOOK at that face!! This boy loves water more than anyone I've ever known. We spent 30 minutes *swimming* in the hot tub this afternoon, and I was reminded that I need to make time for things he loves to do more often. He's very content to watch movies or YouTube tutorials on his iPad while I handle our household. I have to remember to pause for fun. We had a lovely afternoon. 

I baked a cake, and some cupcakes, as a practice run for a baby shower next weekend. I offered to make a small cake for the hostess, to supplement the cupcakes she ordered. Today was my practice run to see if I could manage a 'rustic' looking cake. I did it! The cake for next weekend will be antique blue with a small bunting decoration on the top. But here is my practice cake. 

I will retire early tonight. I'm still incredibly anxious, and awoke with a start at 6am. I tried doing some thankfulness meditation, and relaxation practices.....to no avail. So tonight I have a date with Benadryl, and my new book 'Dragonfly In Amber'. And NO eDating check-ins. Honestly.....that shit is depressing.

And tomorrow? SUPER BOWL!!! GO SEAHAWKS!! :) We're going to a party, which? That's my favorite part of football....the socializing, the food, and the fun team gear. 

Scared

I am incredibly anxious right now. I mean, downright SCARED. About my future, primarily. And I'm lonely. I've got my boy, and have been focusing on him. But remember that he's non-verbal....so not a lot of conversation to be had. 

Today I'm missing the conversation and laughter I had with my bf. We texted randomly throughout the day, and to have that just stop cold turkey.....makes me feel like an addict who is Jonesing. Lonely. Missing the good stuff. 

I've joined an online dating service. I had to. I work as a nanny & mom, so meeting someone organically isn't likely to happen. I really dislike this process!!! And by "dislike" I mean "haaaaaaate"!!!! Trying to keep an open mind. Partly because I compare everyone to him. The him that dumped me. This is SUCH a shitty place to be.

I Like It

Yes.

This. Explains everything in the simplest terms.

The End.

Every Other Weekend Off

This is one of those times when having the weekend *off* is a blessing. Woke up with a blistering headache. So I get to do this all day if I want.

Hindsight

Hindsight is 20/20. At first I thought it was fun. And then I thought it was us being mature and not posting about our relationship because we were keeping it for ourselves. I felt like there was a fine line between posting to *prove something*, and just sharing happiness with friends and family. Now I see that it was about him hiding me, but I still don't know why. 

I learned that I will never again be someone's secret. It feels really, really bad. It makes me feel like I was really naive, and far too trusting. I feel like the good in the relationship has been overshadowed by being someone's *dirty little secret*. It could've been a matter of him guarding his privacy closely. Or it could've been him ensuring that he kept all potential women/dates under the impression that he was single. Keeping his options open.

Last January I read a blog post of a former friend, about going to a company holiday party. I realized very quickly that she was talking about my boyfriend, whom she'd openly pined for on her blog. He'd been texting me from that same party, and never mentioned that he was there with her. Nor did he ever tell me that he took her. It wasn't until this past August, when he was upset at photos I'd posted on Facebook of my friends and I on Girls Weekend, standing or sitting with men we'd met, that I brought up the holiday party. He expressed that he was feeling uneasy over those photos because that was the same scenario under which his ex wife had cheated on him. I explained that those men were married, and had been our *buffers* against some men who were bothering us. I explained that I didn't have a cheating bone in my body, and the interactions were completely innocent. Why would I post the photos publicly, if anything untoward had happened? I assured him of all these things, and said I understood where he was coming from though, because I'd felt the same way when I found out he'd taken that friend to his company holiday party. He explained it was a last minute decision, and he'd asked her because I was busy. I accepted his explanation, and we seemed to be ok. It did continue to gnaw at me that he hadn't told me he'd taken her. If it was innocent and him just taking a friend, why wouldn't he just say so? At the time he took her, I was very upset. But I worked through it myself, and was very proud that I had done so without accusing him of anything. I felt like I was so upset because of the baggage of my ex husband's affair with a friend, and it was something I needed to handle and get over, because this man hadn't given me a reason to think he would cheat on me.

Hindsight. A lie by omission is still a lie. After we broke up, I found out that there had been a second wife. Which is not a problem. But the fact that he had effectively combined two ex wives into the same person whenever we discussed our *stuff*, proves that his M.O., is to lie by omission. A couple of my friends feel that I dodged a bullet with this one. Until this morning (I'm a delayed-processor of my emotions) I was still just feeling bad about myself over the end of this relationship.

Hindsight. I won't be anyone's secret. I won't second-guess my gut when it's telling me something is wrong. I won't trust anyone quickly, ever again. I won't compete with another woman for a man's attention. But I won't ever regret being the kind of woman who goes 'all in' when I love someone. I'll just be more selective about who deserves that part of me.

This.

.

Good Things In Every Day

Playing Wii Super Mario Galaxy for the first time. He got it for Christmas and brought it out to *ask* to play it this afternoon. I wish I'd gotten a photo of his face when I said yes, he could take over the TV to play it. He's snuggled next to me on the couch, with such determination as he figures out how to play.

~mocha coffee with fresh whipped cream

~saying yes to the sweetest face

~couch snuggles (especially now that he's 14...don't know how much longer I get these moments)

~no scheduled events today. See above; couch snuggles

~the discovery that Safeway is once again delivering to my house. This one gets a "HALLELUJAH!!" Because there's something horrendous about taking this kid to the grocery store!!! AND?! THEY DELIVER ON SUNDAYS!!!!

The Little Things

My boy and I slept in a bit this morning, as we had a late night nannying so my friends could have a date night. 

This kid has found his appetite! I make up big batches of French toast, pancakes and waffles, then toss them in the freezer. This morning he had a giant pumpkin waffle, with fresh whipped cream. I put a little in my favorite mug with hot cocoa and coffee. 

I'm trying to be appreciative of every little thing. Going back to basics when I'm defeated, and slowly working my way back to a place of peace. For today I'm appreciating not having any plans or responsibilities except to make waffles for my hungry teenager. Appreciating a mocha with fresh whipped cream in my favorite coffee cup. A warm house, pets roaming the room or curled in my lap. And most of all, a happy, healthy boy whose smile I get to enjoy all to myself. 

But first....coffee.

Grabbing Onto The Good Stuff And Hanging On For Dear Life

"Your courage and strength are a constant inspiration to me. Your compassionate heart and unconditional devotion to those you love is the epitome of beauty."

A woman I've known since I was 12 left this comment for me on a post in mid-December, in which I was admitting what a hard time I was having. I'm still struggling....I needed to go back and find this comment this afternoon. I really like this about myself.

Dragging Out My Soapbox

I've been chewing on something a dear friend of mine said several months ago, in a Facebook status update. Today another dear friend posted something that tickled my crankiness with regard to the first friend's status update, and now I must drag out my soapbox.

The status update in question, said "I have to give props to my single parent friends, because I've gotten a taste of being a single parent this week while my husband is away on business. So credit to you single parents, just not the ones who have every other weekend off."

What?! At the time, she and I had been struggling with our friendship a bit. She accused me of being "petty" over some things, and I felt like she was being a judgmental bitch. She was trying to goad me into a fight, and I wasn't taking the bait. Her post might very well have been targeting a soft spot, which it did. OR, it could've had nothing at all to do with me. However, I did take offense to it. Aaaaand I never said anything about it. I'm big on picking my battles, and this wasn't one I wanted to engage. 

  Today another friend posted about something she deals with constantly. People being passive-aggressive about her seemingly charmed life, out of jealousy. She addressed it maturely, and pointed out that we never know what someone has been through, and we should be happy for people's happiness, and assume to know nothing about how their life appears.

And then I hijacked her post. This was my comment...."Like when someone gives a back-handed compliment about your job? "Must be nice to not have to pay for daycare since you can take your kid with you!" 

Seriously? Get your a$$ over here and spend 24 hours with my special needs child. Actually, just change one poopy diaper and tell me how "nice it must be".

OR!

When you find yourself involuntarily a single mom of the aforementioned child, and someone says "It must be nice to have every other weekend off." 

You know what? That is one of the *perks* that isn't a freaking perk AT ALL! I'm missing out on time and milestones with my son!! *I* get to appreciate that I get breaks now, because I HAVE TO FIND GOOD in aaaaaalllllllll the smelly rottenness of divorce! It is NOT something that someone who hasn't been through it gets to taunt me with!!! Why do people think I'm not curled up in the fetal position, sucking my thumb and crying?! Or sleeping the ENTIRE time my son is gone, to catch up for the 4 nights in a row I was awake with him while he had The Barfs!! 

I mean, these are all hypothetical scenarios.  

Hypothetical scenarios that make me a firm believer in this quote "Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle you know nothing about."

Okay. I'm done hijacking your rant. *drops microphone*"

It infuriated me that anyone feels they have a *right* to an opinion about whether or not my friend 'deserves' her lifestyle. She has been to hell and back a couple times. But she shouldn't have to explain that to ANYONE!! 

I was asked at a retreat in November, what was my greatest desire right now. I answered immediately, "to be part of an intact family unit." Yes I get every other weekend "off". Yes, my son and I are still in our home, and yes I have a cushy job. I say, LUCKY US! To have been through what we both have in life, NOT just the divorce, we deserve what we have, and I appreciate every single nuance of it. As I mentioned in my comment above, I have to find good in this mess that was thrown on me, and if I get every other weekend off.....I have to appreciate the good parts about that. I would trade it in a SECOND to have my family intact. I would trade it in a SECOND to have what my friend does, even with her husband gone on business. 

And while I'm at it... Because your husband is gone for extended trips? You DO NOT know what it's like to be a single parent. Not even if you were a child of divorce. You do NOT know until you've experienced it yourself. The loneliness, the oppressive weight of knowing it's all on your shoulders. YES, even on your weekends *off*. The stress of starting over, and of trying to figure out how in the hell to plan for your child's AND your future. I don't expect or need anyone to feel sorry for me, but don't dare pretend to know what I'm dealing with unless you've been through it too. I wish I could look at my situation through those rose-colored glasses!! 

I'm Sure There's A Lesson In All Of This....

.....but for right now? It's all just pissing me off and making me sad.

  My ex husband pulled crap on me Christmas Day. A couple weeks before, he sent a text explaining that he had a time conflict with picking up our son at the scheduled time of noon on Christmas Day. I (very graciously, I might add) agreed to a 2pm pickup time instead, and planned our Christmas morning according to that. At 11am Christmas morning, he sent a text saying that he would be 2 hours earlier than our agreed-upon time, and showed up a little after noon. I didn't think it would be good for our boy for me to put up a fight about it. So I had him ready, and sent him out the front door bundled up with an armful of gifts that he had carefully picked out for his daddy. I sat down after he left and cried my eyes out. And then promptly got really upset with myself for letting my ex make me think I was getting an extra 2 hours with my boy on Christmas Day. I spent the rest of the afternoon at my parents' house, which was nice. By 8pm I was home, and by 8:30pm I had every remnant of Christmas packed up and out of my house.

  I spent the next 3 days going to the gym, and watching movies at home by myself. I'm still reeling from the loss in early December. I'm not very good company to any friends or family right now. I kept watching all of my friends' Facebook posts of their family snow trips and adventures, and needed to just be a recluse. 

  I am blessed with friends and family. And especially with friends who include me on their adventures. On Tuesday I left for Suncadia Resort with several friends and their families, to celebrate the new year. It was a great trip! Such a beautiful place, and with friends I adore. We had a beautiful dinner on New Year's Eve in the lodge restaurant, and then went back to our suite to ring in 2015 with their kids. I've gotten used to being an 'extra wheel' with my friends and their husbands. But something about New Year's Eve and being single again just twisted my guts. I had a great attitude on the trip.....and at the stroke of midnight, burst into tears. 

  I remind myself every day, and am thankful every day, for all of my blessings. I know my situation isn't the worst case scenario. But the 'Things Could Be Worse' mantra is really NOT helpful. I will never be the person who comforts someone else by saying "it could be worse". I feel like it's the same as saying "you shouldn't be so happy about that thing that just happened, because something better just happened to someone else." YES my life could be worse. But FUUUUCK I'm sad about the stuff that isn't going well!!!! And it doesn't make me ungrateful to admit that! I felt like a jerk for being sad at midnight though, hugging a bunch of people I love dearly, standing in a beautiful suite in a lodge in the mountains, while holding a glass of champagne.

  I spent this past weekend doing the same thing I'd done the previous weekend. Except for the gym. I didn't go. I just didn't have the energy. But I cleaned my house and watched movies. Okay, sobbed through the movies. And did research on child/spousal support enforcement. There was another crappy thing my ex has tossed at me. Late payment. Right after Christmas. No warning or acknowledgement, nothing.

  I got my boy back last night, and couldn't get enough of him. We played with his new Christmas gifts and snuggled until it was time to go to bed. I missed him so much it hurt, and was so glad to have him back home. I hope he had a wonderful vacation with his dad too.

  And this morning while waiting for the school bus, I noticed that my ex boyfriend had unfriended me on Facebook. On NYE, I had 'unfollowed' him so I wouldn't get that gut-wrenching heart-bottoming-out feeling whenever something of his popped up on my newsfeed. I would have to go and purposely look at his page instead of just seeing it while scrolling.... This morning I went to comment on a mutual friend's photo, and saw that he'd commented before me. And I clicked on his profile to see his new profile picture. He'd unfriended me. My heart broke all over again. I know it's silly. But I've been in tears ever since. I didn't think we had hard feelings. But he's discarded me this way now too, and I feel absolutely awful about it.. I thought we would stay friends, and my finding this morning was almost as devastating as the breakup was a month ago. I miss him every single day.  How in the HELL do you fall out of love with someone?! Please give me a map. I will follow it perfectly.