Hurricane T

Because of him, I fully understand this. So many beautiful places I can't go back to without a big old lump in my throat. He kissed me on mountain tops we'd hiked together...on pristine island beaches on clear, calm, warm days. Leaning against fences in freezing cold sun, on a Kentucky Thoroughbred farm while million dollar mares nuzzled at us through the slats. Standing on the upper deck of a ferry boat early in the morning wrapped in his arms while we watched the Seattle city skyline shrink away into the morning mist. Winding through trails to a mansion estate on the water, to gaze out and see bald eagles fly by. 

I'm thankful that I will never again see the place where I realized I was in love with him. We'd slept in a chair in his brand new house. I woke up with the summer morning sun streaming through the windows, listening to his always calm heartbeat, and the even cadence of his breathing beneath my cheek as it rested on his chest. There was a bullfrog in the pond below the open window, still making that low vibrating sound that had lulled us to sleep the night before. I felt safe for the first time in a very long time. I felt content and happy, and my heart swelled with love for this person who had shown me so many beautiful places, and made me feel safe to trust again. It scared the hell out of me, and with a quiet kiss, I stole away through the front door and drove home. It took me a year after that to finally work up the nerve to tell him I loved him. And it wasn't long after that, he let me go.

I'm so thankful to have experienced all of those places he took me. From him, I learned about my own thirst for travel and desire to see beautiful places. I'm grateful that there are so many more places to see and explore, without ever having to revisit those that I experienced with him. Because they're ruined for me now, still with some longing and sadness for that loss. I have a passport that is shiny and new, clean of any marks indicating my having crossed any borders. It's time to see some new places that don't hold memories of the illusion of safety and love. It's time to let go for good. 

The Jeebus Chronicles

*snort* just got a message from this one. Screen name and sideways and backward hat = making me twitch. And? If you're going to do a selfie in your grandma's bathroom (note Precious Moments poster over shoulder) please close the shower curtain over the RIPPED OUT TILE.

40 years old and never married. Please excuse me while I do this interpretive dance with red flags......

Teenager!

My boy got sent home early from school one day last week, because he was sick. Does this face look sick, or like it got away with something? 

Just What I Needed To Read

A family member of my son's dad posted this link on Facebook and tagged me in it. Beautiful! http://goodnightsuperman.com/valentine-letter/

The Jeebus Chronicles

If your screen name at an online dating website evokes thoughts of horror films? 

YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG!!!

Verklempt

I know as a parent, I question how I'm doing....All. The. Time. I think most parents do. Recently B's bus driver mentioned that some mornings he was protesting getting off the bus to go into his class. I have noticed that while B's development is still very delayed, there is one area where he is right on time...he's a teenager, complete with teenage attitude. :) I have been talking with his teacher to try to decide if his reluctance to get off the bus is about teenaged "I don't wanna!", or something else. I got the following email from B's teacher this morning, and it made me smile/cry. It also made me realize how important it is to tell people when you think they're doing a good job in any area of their lives. You never know what a positive impact your acknowledgement can make. ❤️

"Hi Miss S :)

My Buddy has been exhibiting all the signs of being a typical teenage boy lately.  He seems highly uninterested in being at school, and a bit stubborn:)  I hear uh uh, instead of no way Jose at least 3 times a day:)  He he he he:)  Have you seen that at home at all?  I think he is fine, but do see him exerting his independence more often.  It is such a good thing to see, because even when he is questioning a lesson or an activity, and his part in it, he is saying "I am bored", "I don't like this", or "I would rather be anywhere else, but here"!  Hahaha!  You have done an incredible job with him.  We all love him to death, and even though he is soooo sweet and we would love him to be a little boy forever, he won't be.  You are doing such a great job of helping him grow up.  Thank you for being an amazing parent.  You make my job easy:)"

I Know My Limits

The emotional equivalent to cutting? 

Looking at his Facebook profile photo.

I have avoided looking at his page since he dropped me off his friends list. And then today....I looked. I don't know why, other than I think now I can say with clarity that I'm an emotional cutter. Or had an emotional cutter weak moment? Any way you slice it (ha. ha. HA.) I looked today. I saw his face, and my heart bottomed out in my shoes. I missed him so much in that moment, while looking at his smile, that I sat down on my kitchen floor and cried. It really surprised me that it hurt that much. I'm not as far along in the healing process as I thought, which is truly disappointing. 

More gym time, more kid time, more friend time, and taking care of me, are all in order. I've also acknowledged my limits, and blocked him. Now if I'm tempted to look, I can't. 

Please tell me this will get easier....sooner, rather than later. Please?

Jeebus

And then this happened. Rapid fire messages over the course of 2 minutes. NOOOPE!!! 

You have a WHAT?! There's medication for that!

If I have to suffer through this shit show that is online dating, YOU DO TOO.

How Is The Online Dating Going?

This. This is how it's going. NOOOOPE!! And before you think I'm a superficial jerk, let me also explain that his bio was a SHIT SHOW. The epitome of shit show. 

Maybe I'm not ready for this.