Hurricane T

Because of him, I fully understand this. So many beautiful places I can't go back to without a big old lump in my throat. He kissed me on mountain tops we'd hiked together...on pristine island beaches on clear, calm, warm days. Leaning against fences in freezing cold sun, on a Kentucky Thoroughbred farm while million dollar mares nuzzled at us through the slats. Standing on the upper deck of a ferry boat early in the morning wrapped in his arms while we watched the Seattle city skyline shrink away into the morning mist. Winding through trails to a mansion estate on the water, to gaze out and see bald eagles fly by. 

I'm thankful that I will never again see the place where I realized I was in love with him. We'd slept in a chair in his brand new house. I woke up with the summer morning sun streaming through the windows, listening to his always calm heartbeat, and the even cadence of his breathing beneath my cheek as it rested on his chest. There was a bullfrog in the pond below the open window, still making that low vibrating sound that had lulled us to sleep the night before. I felt safe for the first time in a very long time. I felt content and happy, and my heart swelled with love for this person who had shown me so many beautiful places, and made me feel safe to trust again. It scared the hell out of me, and with a quiet kiss, I stole away through the front door and drove home. It took me a year after that to finally work up the nerve to tell him I loved him. And it wasn't long after that, he let me go.

I'm so thankful to have experienced all of those places he took me. From him, I learned about my own thirst for travel and desire to see beautiful places. I'm grateful that there are so many more places to see and explore, without ever having to revisit those that I experienced with him. Because they're ruined for me now, still with some longing and sadness for that loss. I have a passport that is shiny and new, clean of any marks indicating my having crossed any borders. It's time to see some new places that don't hold memories of the illusion of safety and love. It's time to let go for good.