"The Jolliest Bunch Of A$$holes This Side Of The Nuthouse!"

I snark, but this past weekend was WONDERFUL! Christmas spirit, cheer and gratefulness abound. Braeden and I reprised our old family Christmas tradition of going to a tree farm for our Christmas tree. This was our first real tree in 3 years. We went with some of the SnoHos and their families. 

The girls and Braeden all piled into one car, and the rest of the boys rode in Dan's truck. 

I'd never been to the farm we chose, but I will definitely be back! It was magical. Yes, I am a bit of an exaggerator. But I mean it, this place was amazing. Bowen Tree Farm. There was an outdoor stone fireplace, beautiful wreaths, and a gift shop that glittered and sparkled from the rustic wood floors to the rafters. Hot cocoa, cider, and candy canes were offered. 

My boy and I

One of my besties, Nichole

My boy and I found our tree pretty quickly, and Nichole's hubby cut it down for us.

While everyone finished finding and cutting down their trees, a few of us hung out by the fire and took advantage of the photo opportunities, using my professional cameras.

Lisa and Carl

Dan and Nichole

Me and B.

Lisa and her son Kjell

Lisa and Nichole

Then we attempted a group shot.....

Someone is hiding.....

Almost! Got Kjell out from behind his mom, but we lost B.

NOPE. Lost one of the boys again.

*facepalm* Well. We tried. 

Lisa and Nichole

 

Afterward, we headed home. B and I had our tree delivered and set up by Dan and Carl. I appreciate my friends and their hubbies SO much for including us in things like this, and then helping us with set up. They're good eggs. :)

Dan blowing all of the grass, bugs and water off our tree. GENIUS!!

I'm so happy to have a real tree again. It just *feels* like Christmas. And we made such amazing memories with our friends.

That night, B and I picked up the kiddos I nanny, and took them to a Christmas light show at a house in town. They loved it! I definitely wiped the boy out though! 

On the way home

The next morning, our power went out again. Which was excellent timing, because it got me up and moving. I took B to see a sensory-friendly Santa Claus.

On our way back home, B nodded "yes" when I asked if he'd like to have a donut date with me.

 As soon as I opened it, B pulled a *classic B move* and sneezed directly into the box. Guess who got a full box of donuts all to himself? 

That was an amazing weekend. Saturday was 4 years since the life explosion, and I'm happy to report that it is no longer a date to dread and remember with sadness. We have a new life that is better in many ways. Making new memories and traditions has helped to heal my broken heart. I couldn't have asked for a better way to kick off our holiday season.

Sunsets, Good Conversation And Hypnotic Moon Rises, OH MY!

Part of divorce, is splitting the holidays and missing some of them with your child altogether. This year Thanksgiving happened to be one that my son spent with his father. Which means he was also gone for his birthday. The last time this happened, post life explosion, I ran away to Kentucky for the holiday. I followed that boyfriend, who was there for work, and had an amazing trip. I loved that state, because HORSE COUNTRY!! Also? Cute boyfriend. ;) But escaping during holidays that I don't have my son, seems to be an excellent coping mechanism. 

This year, I wasn't able to fly off. But I had a fantastic holiday anyway. I worked out the morning of thanksgiving, went to coffee with friends. Thanksgiving dinner  with my parents at an inn on a nearby island. There was exactly ZERO prep and clean up, and the food was delicious. After dinner, we drove down to the beach for a quick view of the water, because it was a such a beautiful, crisp, sparkling day. I was home by 5pm, tucked into flannel PJ's and fluffy socks. I had my FireTV, an apple cider mimosa, a cozy blanket and the evening to myself. I have truly learned to embrace time to myself now, and I do enjoy it. I'm pretty sure I was asleep before midnight, lol!

Friday, I headed to Seattle for the afternoon, to have lunch at a new restaurant where my dear friend is a server. I hung out at her counter and enjoyed a lovely lunch, just because I could. After that, I picked another dear friend up from work. We stopped for a cocktail and then headed home. Again with the PJ's and movie time. Even worse? I was in bed by 9:30pm on a Friday night. LOL! It was raaaaad! 

Saturday morning was spent getting my nails done, and having a long overdue pedicure. I popped in to the boutique I used to manage for new gloves and boot socks. And there was coffee. There is always coffee involved in my *me time*. 

Saturday afternoon was special. I got to spend it with my new friend, J. Aside from advising me to wear warm clothes and have my phone charged up, our plan was a mystery to me. Our adventure began with my first eggnog latte of the season, and we mini-road-tripped North. J planned a 'Photo Challenge', so we needed to decide categories on the way to Deception Pass. We chose sentimental, black and white, silhouette and silly. Oh!! And the catch was that we needed to take the photos using a selfie stick, whether we were shooting in selfie mode or not. I looooved that addition to the challenge! 

 These were J's contest entries.

Black and white 

Silly

And silhouette 

We didn't get around to photographing the sentimental category, because LOOK at that SUNSET. AH-MAZE-BALLZ. 

Wait. It gets better. Really.

Absolutely stunning. The company, the views, the entire experience. We stopped for a delicious dinner and some revealing conversation on the way home. And THEN....THEN!!!! The MOON. It was huge, the richest golden buttery yellow color I've ever seen. It was mesmerizing. 

Sunday, I woke up and decided that I needed to go back to that new restaurant and enjoy some brunch, a mimosa, my friend and the Seahawks game. Because I could. :) And I coerced J to join me. 

I loved my holiday weekend. Just because life isn't going the way I envisioned it would, doesn't mean it isn't amazing. A month ago I said I hated how things were going for me. Now I appreciate that I was able to make some changes to alter the trajectory, as a result of being unhappy. I made some very big strides in letting go of toxic people during the last month. Perhaps this weekend was my reward. It sure felt like a win! 

I don't put a lot of merit into horoscope stuff. But part of the conversation on Sunday made me wonder. This is what I found. I hope it's true.

Should I Send Him A Screenshot Of His Alternate Routes To Work From Google Maps?

I've said it before, and I'll say it again.....When a couple breaks up, and part of their work commute is the same route.....new boundaries have to be drawn!!! 

GAWD.

Just when I'm not thinking about him as much, not missing him as much.....BAM! Truck tail lights in my windshield, bald head gleaming in the bright morning sun.  For 3.5 miles, it was his truck, and my car. So of COURSE I looked everywhere but AT him, and sang to the radio at the top of my lungs.  

He has another option on his route. I do not! 

FAAAAWK. 

Burning Books

When I found out I was pregnant with my boy, I devoured every pregnancy and parenting book I could get my hands on. What To Expect When You're Expecting, What To Expect The first Year, The Girlfriends Guide To Pregnancy. 

At 6 months of age, my boy wasn't quite   meeting milestones that were outlined in 'What To Expect The First Year'. I spoke with a few friends who reassured me that he was just "on his own time frame", or "he will catch up." I continued to read the books, websites and talk to friends while keeping a close eye on him.

At 8 months old, I grew very concerned. The milestones he wasn't reaching were beginning to pile up, boxes void of check marks. He was unable to sit up by himself.....and the familiar sentence "If your baby isn't meeting two or more of these milestones, get in touch with a medical professional. Early intervention is key." He was almost 9 months before I was able to get him in to the pediatrician's office to talk about my concerns. That pediatrician immediately said "I've been concerned about your son since the day I met him."

What? 9 months ago?! You didn't express your concerns to first time parents, as soon as you noticed a problem?! WHAT in the actual FUCK?! He ordered a host of blood tests, and sent us off to the lab. As I sat there with my baby in my lap, my head was spinning. The blood draw quickly turned into a nightmare. The phlebotomist didn't have pediatric experience, much less infant. I called off the lab work and insisted on a visit to Children's hospital instead. 

Upon going home, I did 3 things. Thing The First....called my husband to give him an overview. Next, I fired our pediatrician, and hired a new one. Best decision EVER. We still see her, and I would move out of state and follow her if she ever left. We love her that much. And lastly, after putting my son down for a nap.....I picked up that book. What To Expect The First Year. I walked out onto my deck with hot tears streaming down my cheeks, and hucked that sucker helicopter style, into the back yard fire pit. I knew immediately that there was no manual for the world of parenting I was about to enter. 

A Small Piece Of The Story

I lost two babies in 2007. We (my ex husband and I) finally worked up the nerve to try to give our son a sibling. It took 7 years to get to a place where we felt like we could. Our son had Chiari Malformation decompression surgery in January 2006, and his quality of life was better than ever. We celebrated our 10 year wedding anniversary with a trip to Maui in August of that same year. We had a beautiful, intimate vow renewal on the beach. We were in a healthy, happy point in our lives as special needs parents, and as a couple. I threw out my birth control pills on the second day in Maui. 

We got pregnant pretty quickly. My pregnancy with my son had been glorious. No morning sickness, I was stacked like a porn star, and every test came back positive for good things, and negative for bad. It was a breeze. His delivery was NOT. But that's another story.

At 12 weeks, we went in for an ultrasound. I had some spotting while we were on a camping trip the previous weekend, but I wasn't terribly worried. I had some spotting with my first pregnancy too, and it turned out to be nothing. My husband got the day off work, and we were going to get our little Polaroid photo, and go have lunch. We were joking around about trying to decipher our little *gummy bear* out of the shadows of the grainy ultrasound printout. 

The technician first put the Doppler wand on my belly, to try to find a heartbeat. No heartbeat. She confirmed my dates, and then used the actual ultrasound to try to see our baby. The screen awoke, and there was our gummy bear! I smiled and my eyes filled with tears. She took some measurements, and again confirmed my dates. I knew immediately something was wrong. There was no movement. Our baby was lying on it's back, and we had a perfect profile view. I stared at the screen, willing it to show me the flutter of a heartbeat. Any kind of movement at all. When she took the measurements, I saw that the computer assigned them a size measurement of 8 weeks. The technician turned off the screen, and excused herself from the room. When the door closed, I burst into tears and told my husband "There's no heartbeat!" He made comforting noises, and was trying to be positive. When the technician returned, she explained what she could, but instructed us to wait for my OB/GYN to call.

There was no heartbeat.

I don't remember the rest of that day....what we did, or even the OB/GYN call. I remember that my fears were confirmed. And I remember feeling what I can only guess, was my heart shattering into tiny shards. 

I can't go into details about how I miscarried, or why the Catholic hospital  my OB/GYN's office was affiliated with demanded I go through a very traumatic and painful miscarriage, induced by medication at home. I can't go into the details because it still hurts. It was psychologically, emotionally and physically..... Tearing. It tore my soul wide open. 

I couldn't stand the unfairness of this loss, following the unfairness of my son's struggles and pain with ACM1. This kind of thing wasn't supposed to keep happening to good people, DAMN. IT. 

I spent the next 2 weeks in a fog. Some of it medication induced. I needed to be allowed to feel emotional pain only in small doses. Even writing about it now, I'm a little dizzy, and need to stop. I'm aware right in this moment that a torn soul....perhaps never fully heals.

To be continued.....

Ow

My heart hurts.

Oops. I Did It Again.

Even Britney has dry spells. This one makes me feel a LOT better than THIS one......

Pity, Party Of One

Two couples that split right around the same time Text Dumper and I did, have gotten back together. 

I seem to choose the ones who walk away with no hesitation. The ones who never look back. 

I'll just be over here, eating popcorn. Watching a(nother) Netflix marathon.....Orange Is The New Black. 

Hope

And That's When I Stopped Being Vulnerable

I told a friend last night about the moment my ability to be vulnerable was broken. I woke up 7,000 times last night and that incident hit me right between the eyes every time. Writing about it now, is my attempt to put it to rest. This is one of those things that endless rehashing won't help. 

It was my 15th wedding anniversary. My ex and I were in Maui to celebrate. Things had been rough for several months, and I was going to counseling to try to work on myself. I wanted to do everything I could to help my love and I through what I saw as a *rough patch*. Before the trip, I talked to my counselor about what I hoped would happen. I told him that I needed to hear my husband say that he still thinks I'm beautiful. He hadn't said it in months, and I was thirsty for affirmation of any kind. I wasn't the kind of woman who needed constant reassurance and compliments. But I needed something resembling affection. The counselor suggested that I tell my husband exactly what I needed from him. 

On our second day on Maui, my husband asked if I wanted an anniversary gift, or wanted to go to a certain restaurant to mark the milestone. I told him "No gifts or restaurants necessary. I'm just happy to be here with you, and have you all to myself. There is something I'd like to hear from you though. I need to hear that you still think I'm beautiful after all of these years."

His response?

"Well that's awfully NEEDY of you."

I replied "I thought that telling you what I need, instead of making you guess, and then being upset with you for not guessing correctly, is very healthy of me."

His response to that? *grunt* 

He refused to say I'm beautiful. He refused to compliment me in any way, ever again. Three months later, he left.

Something inside me broke that day.

It took me over a year to tell my next love, that I was in love with him. When I did, he reciprocated. But never said it again. Three months later, he left.

Both of those men taught me that it wasn't safe to be vulnerable. They both punished me for expressing my feelings. I used to be SUCH a good emoter. Mad? Be angry! Sad? Bawl! Happy? Sing it from the rooftops!

Last weekend, my friend told me I'm beautiful. It was unsolicited, and part of a soft rejection. The first rejection I've experienced since the life explosion, that I knew without a doubt, wasn't about me...but about him taking care of himself and his own life situation. A handsome, eloquent, funny friend called me beautiful. I turned to instant girl-goo internally. In the moment, I thanked him with all of the formality of someone who held the door open for me at the post office. 

Every day for the next 4 days, I typed out a text 'thank you'. Every draft was deleted and never sent. For some reason last night, I got brave and typed up a text that said "I wanted to tell you how nice it was that you told me I'm beautiful on Saturday. I haven't heard that in awhile. I don't need to hear it all the time, but I didn't hear it once from TD (text dumper). Until you said it Saturday, and I turned into a puddle of girl-goo inside, I didn't realize how much I missed hearing that. So thank you." I hit 'send' with no hesitation. Well.....with little hesitation. His response was perfection. His response helped me realize that not every man in my life, romantic interest or otherwise, was going to squish me emotionally for showing vulnerability. That sometimes they will even applaud me for showing my gooey, girly, and sometimes dark and twisty insides. It was incredibly healing. 

I also realized that it was a (weird) gift to know exactly what emotional event had caused me damage. I don't have to dig through that pile of emotional baggage to know which moment needed healing. I finally saw my ex-husband's carelessness with my feelings as HIS damage. That wasn't about me at all. He was already seeing his mistress, and had checked out of our marriage. I just didn't know it yet. I wasn't ugly or unlovable.

He was. 

Dating Sabbatical

Alright. I've been single now for a month, give or take a couple of days. I'm not over my last guy. Not completely. I keep seeing him on the road. Saturday afternoon I saw him with a passenger in his truck on my way to a Halloween party. My heart sank into my rain boots, and my eyes welled to overflowing with hot tears. And last week there was that incident where I let my son play with my phone at a restaurant.....and he dialed THAT number. 30 minutes later, my phone was ringing....from THAT number. It was a 10 second, completely uncomfortable conversation which established that 1) It was an accidental dial by my boy, and 2) that he really didn't want to talk to me. It actually sounded painful. And of course my girl-brain went into overdrive.....

"I didn't leave a message, so why did he return the call? He said he figured it was an accidental dial, so why did he call? We always texted, both hating to speak on the phone....why did he call? Why didn't he text? WHY DID HE CALL?!?!"

Lather, rinse, repeat.

*sigh*

I now know that I don't easily let go of people I let into my life. He was a good man. He made me laugh every day. We were compatible in every way when we were together. He wasn't that into me. That should be it, right? Let go! I'm trying. I really am. But I miss the companionship, and the banter. I miss being wrapped in the arms of someone I care about.  I think when you break up, you should establish who wins which drive routes to work. "You win Highway 9, but I need to use a 2 mile stretch of it at around 8:00am......" It would be easier if I didn't keep seeing him out and about. Maybe.

My heart just isn't up for any serious entanglements. Unless I can be completely over the last guy, it isn't fair to anyone new. My heart also isn't up for any flings. I don't do well with those.  When I love, I love hard. I haven't found anyone since my divorce who can handle that, or wants that. Or who isn't intimidated by my life and all that it includes. My boy and I are a package deal. Period. 

I'm putting the thought of dating, online or otherwise, to rest indefinitely. I'm going back to what I know works for me....focusing on my son, our home, and our friends and family. My heart can't take any more abuse. 

I'm single, and it will take someone pretty special to change that.

Losses That Are Actually Gains In Disguise

It took a few years to understand that part of parenting a special needs child, is accepting that there will be little losses all along the way. I didn't just decide to accept that he would have struggles, and  continue on....business as usual. I came to realize that with the little losses, there are also little AND big victories. My boy is almost completely non-verbal, but he is able to communicate his needs to me fairly well. He isn't potty trained, but I never have the panicked "I have to pee!" yell from the back seat while driving across the top of a mountain pass.

I've only recently figured out that this also applies to letting go of a failed marriage, and the anger of having been betrayed and subsequently raked over the coals. My ex husband had an affair, but I no longer have to watch him pick his toenails in my bed! 

Yay me.

I've recently been through another court action, and it SUUUUUCKED. I *get* that opposing counsel is paid to be assholes. I hope opposing counsel can sleep at night after saying the things she did about me. I also hope she had such helpful advice for her own client with regard to monthly finances. It's almost funny....except it's disgusting.

Anyway, anger. I have that. Lots of things I thought I'd worked through have been tickled by this legal action. I'm a big believer in working through my shit (see yesterday's post) and putting it to rest. So I'm making a conscious decision to let out the venom, work through it, and move on from it. I have a couple of friends who are in the throes of divorce right now. It has been helpful for me to talk with them about what they're going through. Sure, it's stirring up old wounds for me. I'm taking that as a sign that I really hadn't finished slogging through it. I'm choosing to look at the old monsters with both of my big green eyes, stare those fuckers down, squack and whinge, and put it to rest. I've sounded off about a few things with my friends these last few weeks, and have been successful at feeling like I ticked a few off my list of 'Things That Instantly Piss Me Off And Keep Me Awake At Night'. Losses and wins. One step at a time.

What Not To Say

It's a universal truth that people don't know how to deal with something they've never been through themselves. 

Doesn't mean they won't try to tell YOU how to slog through your shit storm. 

Yes, they're trying to help you. Yes, they mean well. NO, you don't have to take their suggestions to heart. I have mastered the art of nodding along while they philosophize about how I should be handling my crap.

Something I learned in counseling during The Life Explosion, is that the only way through it, is through it. Hip waders on, clothespin firmly clamped on my nose. Shit shovel gripped in my rubber glove-clad hands. Now DIG. 

Even if you've already dealt with a particular layer of your shit sandwich, sometimes a person will try to feed it to you again. And again. And again. You're supposed to be learning something about it, or yourself. Sometimes it takes several whiffs of eau de poo-poo, before you really grok the lesson. Having someone say "we've already been through this...." Doesn't help. People who say that? KNOCK IT THE FUCK OFF!! 

Here's a list of unhelpful things you shouldn't say to people who are going through some crap.

"You should just...." OR! "You need to...." Really? I *should* or *need to* just what? Should I *just* stop thinking about that thing that destroyed my life as I know it? I *need to* get over it already? Why? Because you are tired of hearing about it? Why didn't I think of that? It's so easy!!! I could've just gotten over it? WHO KNEW?! 

"Forgive them and move on". Again with the 'why didn't I think of that?' *facepalm*. The degree of betrayal is directly related to my personal ability to stop rehashing something. And when there is 3+ years of slander from the gaping maw of my ex husband's mistress....guess who is going to be unwilling to *forgive and forget* just because she's (the trollop) suddenly decided she wants to behave like a 17 year old instead of the mean girl middle schooler she has been for 3+ years? ME. NO, I actually DON'T give a shit what she said about me. But she also can't expect me to EVER be willing to have any kind of relationship with her, after all of the poo flinging, and without any acknowledgement of what she did. They did me a favor. Life is SO much better without him in it daily. Doesn't mean I'm ready or willing to pretend it never happened!! 

"Be thankful, and only look at the good stuff." I am thankful. And some days, I have been thankful for the only thing I could think of TO be thankful for....air to breathe. There have been days  that I was face down on the carpet, crying my eyelashes off.....and all I could conjure to be thankful for, was air. Don't try to offer your take on all the good stuff you can see in your friend's life, when she can't even get off the floor. 

People need to get through the day, any way we can. I think the best thing you can do for anyone who is struggling, is to listen. Truly listen. Let them speak, cry, and rage without inserting your opinion in any way. Hug them. Hold the pillow steady while they punch the ever loving shit out of it. Let. Them. Work. Through. Their. Shit. Say nothing. After they've released some steam, tell them you love them no matter what. Tell them you're sorry they're struggling. Just BE there.  

Yaaaaay! Booooo....

Would you look at that kid's face?! He was beyond thrilled to get sprung from school early. 

......until he realized it was for a doctor appointment. Oh boy....I'm on this kid's shit list in a big way. He had a couple of shots in that shoulder he's holding. I don't know if he'll ever forgive me for restraining him while he received them. Two hours later, he's still glaring and holding his shoulder. He signed "bull$hit" when we were walking out of the office...... #grudgeholder #loveofmylife #shotsshotsshots

The Alpha Female Theory

A friend of mine posted a link to this article on Facebook. 

http://thebolde.com/dating-struggles-alpha-female/

Have you ever had an epiphany about yourself so profound that you actually *facepalmed*? This was one of those moments for me. I commented something like "Huh. I never thought of it that way. I might be an alpha female?" To which she responded with "DUH!! Ya think?! Lol!!" 

I do think of myself as strong. I do give myself limited credit for being resilient and for being the best mom for my son. But, as pointed out last night by a new (and very insightful) friend....I don't ever acknowledge that I've been to hell and back, and not only survived it, but handled it well. I know that I downplay my strengths, usually by thinking that someone else has been through worse. I'll work on a separate blog post wherein I shall acknowledge all of The Bad Things I've Handled With Grace. That will be a tough one. I will do it anyway. Therapy by way of blogging.

Back to the recent realization that I'm an alpha female. My new very insightful friend said quite a few things last night, that made too much sense for me to downplay. One thing in particular. Several of my girlfriends have been trying to say this for the last 4 years, but this friend said it in such a way that I heard it. I said "I rope in the men, but my *keeper* is broken."

Oh. OH!!!! And there it is. In one text bubble. *mic drop*

And then there was this exchange. 

I thought about that last line all night. ALL. NIGHT. My girlfriends get me. They understand me. They've been supportive and kind while I figure my stuff out. They haven't been shy about delivering some tough truths and letting me know when I need to get my shit together. They aren't letting me wallow about this most recent break up. But to have someone really see who I am? I can't remember ever hearing that before. I don't think I believe anyone has ever really seen who I am. We tell ourselves stories about who we think we are, and it's all intertwined with truths and lies that have been placed on us with our family history/damage. Something about this friendship has made it very easy for me to be myself. Plain and simple. Not that I am at all plain and simple (because alpha female!!) but I have just been very raw and real in our interactions. I'm very impressed that he got through to me. 

Adulting. I. Don't. Wanna.

I work hard to be positive. Sometimes I only manage to be semi-positive, heavy on the snark. 

I'm exhausted. Too much stuff has piled up at once. I've spent the better part of the last 3 months researching and preparing for a legal action that took place a week ago. The bills from my attorney are rolling in. The arbitrator's decision was.....not the worst case scenario. But definitely not what I needed to keep providing for my boy as a single mom, while keeping my part time job so I can still parent him every day after he gets off the bus, and take him to therapies. I will need a second part time job. But the 4 days a month that I have off from parenting, are my respite-take a deep breath-catch up on missed sleep-bill paying-housekeeping-catch up days. I don't want to give them up. I'll do what I have to, of course. I always do. I ALWAYS DO. I am always responsible. I'm always looking for ways to do the best thing for Braeden. But I'm exhausted.

The water pressure pump at my house is croaking. It isn't a necessity, and can be unplugged. But I really prefer to take a shower in water that sprays with more force than I can pee. 

I had to drain the hot tub. There's a leak. Also not a necessity, but one helluva perk, damnit.

My car is back in the shop. 

I'm dreaming about hemmorrhaging money.

And today? Got bounced off all social media avenues by the latest dumper. Stupidly, it upset me. Either he rekindled with his ex (she's just a friend!!) and doesn't want me to see it. Or he's not enjoying my snarkiness. Either way, he can eff off. But it hurt. A lot more than I wanted to admit. I dared to hope that we had a future. I let him in. Still don't know what the lesson was. 

Right now, I want to give up on lots of stuff. First thing on the chopping block? Dating. One of my girlfriends just went through a super crappy breakup. She told me "Only regrettable bar hookups for me, from now on." I don't know if I even have enough energy for that. 

I had to rely on my parents for car rides to drop off the car at the mechanic, take my boy and I to speech therapy, back home, and tomorrow to work. I hate having to ask for help. I'm independent. I'm stubborn. 

I missed a phone call from my attorney today, while dealing with car stuff. I spent a couple of hours last night going over appeal paperwork from her. It stresses me OUT. This *thing* still isn't over. It's still costing me ridiculous amounts of money. It's still keeping me up at night. It is rooted in greed, which makes me nauseous. Because it's about a KID. I don't understand how anyone can suggest *options* like those I was offered. I think it is so much easier when every decision is made based on what is best for the boy. 

I'm not a saint. I do make every decision based on my son. But it doesn't mean I'm immune from being frustrated that he comes out foraging for a snack at 8:03pm.......*just* as I sat down for the first time today. I wanted to curl up on the couch, let the cat snuggle in and purr. I wanted to watch one of the eleventy-jillion smut TV shows I have stacking up on my DVR. 

I'm used to allowing myself a *wallow day* now and then. There's always tomorrow. But tonight.....The simple, smallish pile of laundry taking over one end of my couch that needs to be folded, made me cry. I don't see a light at the end of this tunnel. I don't have a lot of things I'm looking forward to right now. I see a lot of things that individually, aren't daunting. But piled up? MUCH more than I'm comfortable admitting to. For the first time since the explosion, I'm scared. I've been frightened before. I've been scared momentarily, but always felt confident I'd land on my feet. 

Tonight, I'm exhausted.

He's Just Not That Into You

And by "you", I mean "me". 

http://youtu.be/rY0WxgSXdEE

Either it was a case of him just not being that into me, OR The Universe didn't think I had *REALLY* learned the "She's just a friend!" lesson. Either way, I was dumped (via TEXT!!) again. My heart is not broken. I've been through worse. But DAMNIT my ego is sporting some shiny purple bruises! I don't need to be at the top of someone's priority list. But I need to be ON the priority list. Preferably before the 'install doggie door' and 'mow the lawn' entries. I'm not high maintenance. 

So. I'm single. I'm rebelling by being a complete animal and doing whateverthehelliwant, wheneverthehelliwant. Wait. No. I'm a mom. I rebel on my 'non-mom' weekends. So 4 days a month, I do what I want. To include (but not limited to) working out, reading until the wee hours of the morning, and....brace yourself....mowing my lawn! I'm a wild one! I even had two glasses of wine Friday night. In a BAR!!

I'm fine being single. No really. Stop looking at me like that.

Message Received, Loud And Clear!

I have been aware for some time, that I put people I love on a pedestal. More often than not, it's a pedestal they don't deserve to be on. Yet there I place them, shiny and lovely, long before they've proven they are worthy. I can't help it. I choose to see the best in people, and believe the things they tell me. Since my ex-husband, The Universe has been trying to show me the error in this. And yet, I did it again with that last boyfriend. After we broke up, I learned some truths that prove once again, I put someone up on a pedestal who didn't deserve to be there. 

Last week I saw a photo that drove home with piercing finality that not only did he not deserve the pedestal, but that I need to never, EVER ignore my intuition again. I fell for the "she's just a friend" thing. AGAIN. Well, I finally got it Universe. Lesson learned! If you know he lied, was shady, or had the capacity to be sneaky.....then you know it can also happen to you. 

My biggest challenge will be learning where to draw the lines of trust. And this new guy of mine.....I'm trying not to make him pay for the deviousness of the last. 

The Honeymoon Phase

Things are going very well with my new guy. :) He makes me laugh every day, which is my favorite thing in the history of ever. Last weekend we went on a mini road trip for the day, which was perfection. 

Stay tuned!

The Cougar Hunter

Checked my dating page for the first time in a week. Found this.....

From this.....

I think he meant "momma" literally....I could BE HIS MOM. 

A Work In Progress

Last weekend, I went out on a date with a man I met through two online dating sites. I apparently blew him off on the first site, which I swear,  I did not do on purpose. That site just isn't very user friendly. So we were matched again on the second site, and he reached out. He was SO funny about being blown off, that I had to respond. We texted for a couple weeks, and he is the first person in the history of EVER, to get every one of my jokes, references and one liners. We met after work one evening for a beer, and spent 2 hours talking non-stop. We met again the following week and went for a walk with his dog, and again talked the entire time. This last Saturday night, we went to a local wine festival for some tastings. We capped the evening at a pub in that same town, and again with the non-stop talking. I'm really enjoying our interactions, and I am really loving that I have someone I can laugh with again. He's witty, funny, and seems like a genuinely nice guy. I'm hopeful. 

Sunday was gorgeous weather, so rather than stay inside on a treadmill, I hit the Centennial Trail with my earbuds in and music blasting. I had a spring in my step, and was proud that I am continuing efforts to take good care of myself. So there I was, breaking a sweat on the trail in the sun.....and he passed me. *he as in, the one who let me go in December. He was with his son, and they were riding their bikes. I'm embarrassed that I reacted this way, but I immediately had a huge lump in my throat. Tears welled up in my eyes. I had to step off the trail to try to get my shit together. Less than 12 hours after a very good date with a really good man, there he was. Is this some kind of test? It took me down several clicks. He didn't acknowledge me in any way. I have no idea if he saw me. But I saw him, and the cold grip that wrapped itself around my still raw heart took my breath away. When I got back to my car, his truck was parked 2 vehicles away. It took me quite some time to further get my shit together to be able to see through the wall of welling tears to drive away. I thought I had let go. If I'm still affected that way, perhaps I wasn't as successful at letting go as I thought. I'm keenly aware that unless I fully let go of him, I won't give anyone else a fair shot. I'm trying REALLY hard to give this new man a chance, and not make comparisons. So far, he is failing miserably in comparison to this new man in the making me feel like a priority department. I am hopeful.

My son had a terrible night, and a major barf. Sensory barfs are very common in my house, but this didn't seem to be one of those episodes. It made me very nervous that my boy is struggling with symptoms of his ACM1 again. I'm still not sure what the cause of all of that was last night. I fell asleep with tears trailing down my cheeks out of frustration for not knowing how to help, and for my boy not being able to tell me what was wrong. After 14 years of guessing, it shouldn't still upset me when I can't figure it out. But there it is....still upsetting. Some of the tears were also out of frustration that I'm doing this by myself. I'm overwhelmed with concern right now, all stemming from the fact that I'm on my own. My car is showing signs of kicking the can. I just lost my health insurance. I have NO idea what the future holds for me or my boy. And I'm on solo sick kid duty. Thank God for my sensitivity to more than one glass of any kind of alcohol.....or I might develop a problem. Overwhelmed is such a mild word. Trying to remain hopeful.

Whose Idea Was This?

For real. Who thought I could handle all of this? 

SSSSSSHHHIIIIIIT!!!!!

Went into my account to block this guy and found this.....

GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!! BLOCKEDBLOCKEDBLOOOOOOCKED!!!! THIS guy is EXACTLY why my kid will NEVER be in a group home!!!!!!!

There was another dad at my son's school whom pulled some seriously creepy stalker stuff!! WHY do the creepers like me so much?! GAH!!!

Dear GAWD. GO. AWAY.