Dating Sabbatical

Alright. I've been single now for a month, give or take a couple of days. I'm not over my last guy. Not completely. I keep seeing him on the road. Saturday afternoon I saw him with a passenger in his truck on my way to a Halloween party. My heart sank into my rain boots, and my eyes welled to overflowing with hot tears. And last week there was that incident where I let my son play with my phone at a restaurant.....and he dialed THAT number. 30 minutes later, my phone was ringing....from THAT number. It was a 10 second, completely uncomfortable conversation which established that 1) It was an accidental dial by my boy, and 2) that he really didn't want to talk to me. It actually sounded painful. And of course my girl-brain went into overdrive.....

"I didn't leave a message, so why did he return the call? He said he figured it was an accidental dial, so why did he call? We always texted, both hating to speak on the phone....why did he call? Why didn't he text? WHY DID HE CALL?!?!"

Lather, rinse, repeat.

*sigh*

I now know that I don't easily let go of people I let into my life. He was a good man. He made me laugh every day. We were compatible in every way when we were together. He wasn't that into me. That should be it, right? Let go! I'm trying. I really am. But I miss the companionship, and the banter. I miss being wrapped in the arms of someone I care about.  I think when you break up, you should establish who wins which drive routes to work. "You win Highway 9, but I need to use a 2 mile stretch of it at around 8:00am......" It would be easier if I didn't keep seeing him out and about. Maybe.

My heart just isn't up for any serious entanglements. Unless I can be completely over the last guy, it isn't fair to anyone new. My heart also isn't up for any flings. I don't do well with those.  When I love, I love hard. I haven't found anyone since my divorce who can handle that, or wants that. Or who isn't intimidated by my life and all that it includes. My boy and I are a package deal. Period. 

I'm putting the thought of dating, online or otherwise, to rest indefinitely. I'm going back to what I know works for me....focusing on my son, our home, and our friends and family. My heart can't take any more abuse. 

I'm single, and it will take someone pretty special to change that.