NOOOOOPE

How to know you still aren't ready to date....join an online dating site, and find your most recent ex's profile in the first 5 swipes. Was like a twisting knife.

Well then....

The theme of this day, is letting go. Holy SHITBALLS. Right on the heels of my posting binge here, I saw that one of my favorite musicians, Griffin House, posted a link to a video for one of his new songs.  

I was introduced to his music by the man I dated for a year and a half. The song he played for me was 'The Guy That Says Goodbye'. The main verse is "The guy that says goodbye to you is out of his mind".

Hook, line and sinker.

So my hearing this song today, called 'Yesterday Lies', was absolute perfection. It applies to both that year and a half long relationship, and touches on where I was headed with my double posts about that 7 month relationship this morning. 

Freaking TRIPPY. 

http://www.pastemagazine.com/articles/2016/02/griffin-house-yesterday-lies-official-video.html

Why It Should Be Easier Than It Has Been To Let Go.

He enthusiastically accepted an invitation to my dear friend's wedding at a winery. It would've been a fun weekend getaway at a hotel. As the date drew closer, he backed out, citing kid event conflicts. I absolutely understood, saying "kids first!"

He enthusiastically accepted an invitation for a free trip with me to Maui. When it came time for me to book tickets, he said he didn't think he could get away, citing kid and work conflicts. I was very disappointed, but understood. 

Then came a fancy wedding at The Four Seasons Hotel in Seattle. I showed him the invitation with both of our names on it, and told him the RSVP date. And on the RSVP date, I had to ask if he was going to be my date. He declined, citing kid conflict. I was crushed.

In the heat of passion, he must've slipped and said *the L-word*. But I only heard him say "I didn't mean that! I'm sorry. I only meant that I love doing this with you!" I should've walked out the door right then. But I'm a hopeless romantic, and I was in love with him. I said "Well, I do love you." Which was met with an intense kiss, but void of words. 

Laying in bed together, softly talking. A song came on with a verse of longing...."I miss you..." He couldn't get to his phone fast enough to change the song. I felt my heart drop into my shoes. I knew it wasn't me he was missing. 

And finally, a list of things he wanted to accomplish during the coming weekend. At the top of the list, meeting his ex girlfriend to give her some packages she had shipped to him. Then, installing a doggie door. Cleaning the garage. Mowing the lawn. And I wasn't anywhere on the list. I didn't need to be at the top of the list. But I wasn't anywhere on the list. Not after cleaning the garage. Not after installing a doggie door. 

I wasn't on the list at all.

That was the end.

And then I didn't rate high enough for a face-to-face conversation. Instead I got an awkward phone call while he was on his way to meet his ex girlfriend.

A few days later, I came home to find a copper mug from my birthday in Seattle, with a two page hand written letter in it. The letter was kind, but didn't contain any more closure than the text or the awkward phone call. 

This breakup happened 1 week before a very, very stressful court date for me. I hadn't leaned on him during my preparation for it, but I had been honest that my stress levels were through the roof. I didn't talk a lot about my struggles until then. And even then, I kept most of it to myself. 

Two weeks after that, he unfriended me across all avenues of social media. 

I've seen him several times on the road, while both of us were on our way to work. Neither of us acknowledged the other. Like it never happened. 

When we met, I was very clear that I am a social butterfly, and that I say yes to every possible opportunity for fun and adventure. He explained that he was a bit more reserved than that, and I wondered if it would be problematic for us as a couple. I should've listened to my gut. 

I don't know why I'm having such a resurgence of missing him. Is it my ego? Is it loneliness? Or am I truly missing him? I don't know. But I'm frustrated and disappointed in myself for feeling like this. For looking for his truck on my way to work.  A few posts back I said that I wanted to win 'custody' of my work route, so I didn't have to see him. And now I'm disappointed that I haven't seen him in several weeks. 

I keep telling myself to let it go. He didn't want me. That's it.

And yet.

Yearning. Things I Miss.

That twilight level of sleep.....slipping my foot across the sheets to feel the contact of his warm leg. 

Burrowing into his back, and falling back into slumber.

Being woken up by feeling his hand trace the length of my back.

Truly peaceful, blissful sleep. The kind where I wake up feeling slightly disoriented because I slept dreamlessly. Where I slept so hard, I feel a little bit hungover.

Waking up a minute before he does, and watching him sleep contentedly. 

Waking him up. 

Driving with the sunroof open, windows down a little. Music. Feeling him glance over to look at me, and knowing that he really sees me. 

Laying in his back yard hammock, head resting on his chest, rocking slightly in the breeze. Talking about things we're looking forward to doing together. 

Enjoying everyday chores in one another's presence.

Making him laugh. I mean really laugh.

Giggling about a shared twisted sense of humor.

Daily texts filled with silliness and wit. 

Intelligent banter.

Sitting in the sun on a patio next to a marina. Feeling the breeze and smelling the ocean air. A glass of wine, a nibble of calamari. Smiling at his sunglass-covered eyes, because he said something clever, yet again. 

Listening to him tell a story about one of his boys, pride radiating off of him. 

Conversely, listening intently while he expresses frustration at one of them making a craptacular teenage decision, and reason out how to make it a teaching opportunity.

Smiling while he relates with a story about a craptacular teenage decision he himself made at the same age.

Learning valuable lessons from him, because he gently said "I never did actually choke on my pride any of the times I had to swallow it....." at precisely the right time for me to actually hear it. 

Seeing him walk through the door with a big smile to scoop me up into an intense embrace. 

Making out like teenagers.

Seeing burning desire in his icy cool eyes. 

Driving home from a date much earlier than necessary, because we just couldn't wait to be tangled up together. 

Burnin' it down.

BBQ'ed steak, sweatpants, his dog at our feet while we watch movies.

A sunny birthday spent in Seattle, playing tourist. The Great Wheel, dinner at The Taphouse, a hilarious comedy show, and tasting gin and vodka at a new distillery. 

A copper mug to commemorate.

Lingering kisses and "I'm not finished hugging you yet" embraces. 

Wherein The Punishment Is Worse On Mommomm

I've had a recurring problem with my son pooping in his diaper, not telling me, and then attempting to change it himself. Which....apraxic with difficulties in motor planning = poop smeared on the bed, the floor, the...everything. I've tried calmly explaining. I've tried reasoning. As of Sunday evening, when I stepped in poop on his bedroom carpet......yelling. Loudly.  None of these techniques (ha, ha, HA!) have been effective for getting him to tell me he needs his diaper changed. 

I'm going to have to resort to taking his iPad away. Which? Will be SO much harder on me, than on him. It's what he does. While he's never been officially diagnosed with Autism, he's definitely on the spectrum. He watches YouTube videos. That's what he does. Hopefully that's why taking it away will be effective? Please? Wish me luck.

I Spoke Too Soon.

Seriously. This 4 day weekend felt like a MONTH. My special needs 15 year old has a new form of rebellion; dropping his drawers. Today, it was in the frozen food section at Target. Usually I handle it pretty well. Hand on hip, eyebrows up "so you wanna walk the rest of the way through Target sans pants? Okie Dokie!" Today? Notsomuch......If I hadn't already cleaned up unspeakable things all weekend....if I wasn't so damn tired of doing this by myself.....I might've found some humor. 

Nope. Not today, puberty. Not today.

Happy Singles Awareness Day!

Spending today catching up on housework, and baking for the love of my life. I'm a lucky Mommomm.

*sigh*

I don't think this is an *Alpha Female* thing, because I'm not the only woman I know who has expressed this.....but it is SO frustrating to me to be circled by men who can't work up the nerve to ask me out. I don't do hints. In fact, a man who hints at me about wanting to go out, actually repulses me. If you want to take me out on a date, fucking ask me. It really is that simple. I don't want to do the back-and-forth hint game. If I want to get to know you better, I'll accept your invitation. If I don't, I'll be gentle but honest. Guys, what's the worst that could happen? I might say no, and if that's the worst thing that happens, then was that so bad? The circling me while probing approach makes me see you as spineless and timid. Therefore you are seafood and will be devoured for lunch. And NOT in the good way. 

Nature Is My Church

I'm not entirely sure what my spiritual beliefs are. I've gone to church on and off since I was a teenager. Every night I say thanks and ask for protection for my loved ones. When friends who are believers ask for prayers, I offer them up. I'm just not sure if I'm speaking to God, Buddha, The Universe....Flying Spaghetti Monster? I've never been completely comfortable in any one church, I think because I don't trust organized religion. 

I've spoken with a mom who also has a child with special needs, at school functions and meetings for our kids. She seems to be determined to 'save' me. I've always been courteous and kind to her, but have also been taken aback by her fervor and enthusiasm. On one hand it is overwhelming that she sees something about me that screams "save her!!!", and on the other I'm impressed that she is so strong in her beliefs. Personally, I try to take anything in life with a grain of salt, and some moderation. 

Except steak. I'll salt the hell out of that, and eat a 64 ouncer in one sitting. 

Anyway.

This mom knew that I was facing a daunting court battle last October. She offered to pray for my son and I, which I graciously accepted. She shared that she was facing some troubles within her own family, and I offered my own good thoughts and prayers.  I saw her for the first time since then, at the special education parent meeting Monday night. We exchanged a few pleasantries, and she asked how my court date had gone. I gave her the abridged version, and asked about her family situation. She launched immediately into what I would describe as *frothing-at-the-mouth overzealous excited verbal vomit*. She said "Your marriage can be redeemed! Your ex husband can be saved, and God can give you back your marriage. You just have to believe. You just have to be saved yourself. I've prayed with someone whose marriage was revived after 18 years apart!"

I'm not often speechless.

A couple of things came to mind, and I've been thinking about it since Monday. First, that her words immediately made me see her as a Stepford-esque religious zealot. With a little space, I still admire her passion. However, I won't be willing to share any personal stories with her in the future. That exchange was far too intense for the level of friendship I have with her. It was invasive, jarring, and very unsettling. 

Secondly......would I want my ex husband back? My immediate reaction to her comments about the possibility of my marriage being "redeemed"......NO. Absolutely no question whatsoever. I wouldn't want my marriage or my ex husband back. I don't know him now, nor is he someone I would choose to know if I didn't have to. I don't like this new version of him. I choose to surround myself with good hearted, kind, genuine people. He is no longer any of those things. My only hope for our relationship is civility while co-parenting. 

For now, I'll keep saying thanks and asking for protection for my loved ones. I'll appreciate beautiful sunsets, people and moments. I'll keep hoping that I will see the reason I've been through so much cruelty and pain. And yes, I'll keep asking that the reason be revealed sooner than later.

 

Just Me, Myself And I

I'm running. On purpose. Not away from danger or toward a cheeseburger. But because I.....like? It? CRAZY!!! I wogged 4.5 miles yesterday, and I feel pretty good about the walk/jog ratio. This morning I got up and went to a new YMCA studio facility in Stanwood, and did a weight lifting class that kicked my ass. And after? I ran a mile. WHO AM I?! It felt great! 

This afternoon, I did rejoin the land of the living, and went to a Super Bowl party. Met a woman I've only seen in passing on Facebook, who is going through a divorce, but very early in the process. We had a good talk about not giving a shit what ANYONE thinks about how she's handling her divorce. I also saw a woman I used to work with at the pharmacy, and got to meet her beautiful family. And to think I almost went full *shut-in* and skipped it. I didn't think I'd know anyone except the hosts, which for some reason was a bit daunting this time. I'm so glad I went!! 

This weekend was full of solitude, and I needed it. Friday night I was in bed by 9pm, and last night, by 9:30pm. I got lots of sleep, worked my body hard, read some books, and truly appreciated that I had the time to myself. I needed some time that didn't belong to work, friends or mom responsibilities. I'm proud of myself for embracing the art of learning how to be alone, early on in the divorce process. I'm even more proud of myself for working hard to take care of my physical health, which in turn helps my mental health. And my ass will look AMAZING. ;)

Deeper Into The 'Huh'

I believe I was addicted to being pissed at my ex. Holy shit. A week in, the emotional hangover feels less like a release, and more like a void. That is FUCKED UP. And a very big realization for me, that is prompting me to channel that energy into healthier emotions and endeavors.