He enthusiastically accepted an invitation for a free trip with me to Maui. When it came time for me to book tickets, he said he didn't think he could get away, citing kid and work conflicts. I was very disappointed, but understood.
Then came a fancy wedding at The Four Seasons Hotel in Seattle. I showed him the invitation with both of our names on it, and told him the RSVP date. And on the RSVP date, I had to ask if he was going to be my date. He declined, citing kid conflict. I was crushed.
In the heat of passion, he must've slipped and said *the L-word*. But I only heard him say "I didn't mean that! I'm sorry. I only meant that I love doing this with you!" I should've walked out the door right then. But I'm a hopeless romantic, and I was in love with him. I said "Well, I do love you." Which was met with an intense kiss, but void of words.
Laying in bed together, softly talking. A song came on with a verse of longing...."I miss you..." He couldn't get to his phone fast enough to change the song. I felt my heart drop into my shoes. I knew it wasn't me he was missing.
And finally, a list of things he wanted to accomplish during the coming weekend. At the top of the list, meeting his ex girlfriend to give her some packages she had shipped to him. Then, installing a doggie door. Cleaning the garage. Mowing the lawn. And I wasn't anywhere on the list. I didn't need to be at the top of the list. But I wasn't anywhere on the list. Not after cleaning the garage. Not after installing a doggie door.
I wasn't on the list at all.
That was the end.
And then I didn't rate high enough for a face-to-face conversation. Instead I got an awkward phone call while he was on his way to meet his ex girlfriend.
A few days later, I came home to find a copper mug from my birthday in Seattle, with a two page hand written letter in it. The letter was kind, but didn't contain any more closure than the text or the awkward phone call.
This breakup happened 1 week before a very, very stressful court date for me. I hadn't leaned on him during my preparation for it, but I had been honest that my stress levels were through the roof. I didn't talk a lot about my struggles until then. And even then, I kept most of it to myself.
Two weeks after that, he unfriended me across all avenues of social media.
I've seen him several times on the road, while both of us were on our way to work. Neither of us acknowledged the other. Like it never happened.
When we met, I was very clear that I am a social butterfly, and that I say yes to every possible opportunity for fun and adventure. He explained that he was a bit more reserved than that, and I wondered if it would be problematic for us as a couple. I should've listened to my gut.
I don't know why I'm having such a resurgence of missing him. Is it my ego? Is it loneliness? Or am I truly missing him? I don't know. But I'm frustrated and disappointed in myself for feeling like this. For looking for his truck on my way to work. A few posts back I said that I wanted to win 'custody' of my work route, so I didn't have to see him. And now I'm disappointed that I haven't seen him in several weeks.
I keep telling myself to let it go. He didn't want me. That's it.
And yet.
And yet :(
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