Yaaaaay! Booooo....

Would you look at that kid's face?! He was beyond thrilled to get sprung from school early. 

......until he realized it was for a doctor appointment. Oh boy....I'm on this kid's shit list in a big way. He had a couple of shots in that shoulder he's holding. I don't know if he'll ever forgive me for restraining him while he received them. Two hours later, he's still glaring and holding his shoulder. He signed "bull$hit" when we were walking out of the office...... #grudgeholder #loveofmylife #shotsshotsshots

The Alpha Female Theory

A friend of mine posted a link to this article on Facebook. 

http://thebolde.com/dating-struggles-alpha-female/

Have you ever had an epiphany about yourself so profound that you actually *facepalmed*? This was one of those moments for me. I commented something like "Huh. I never thought of it that way. I might be an alpha female?" To which she responded with "DUH!! Ya think?! Lol!!" 

I do think of myself as strong. I do give myself limited credit for being resilient and for being the best mom for my son. But, as pointed out last night by a new (and very insightful) friend....I don't ever acknowledge that I've been to hell and back, and not only survived it, but handled it well. I know that I downplay my strengths, usually by thinking that someone else has been through worse. I'll work on a separate blog post wherein I shall acknowledge all of The Bad Things I've Handled With Grace. That will be a tough one. I will do it anyway. Therapy by way of blogging.

Back to the recent realization that I'm an alpha female. My new very insightful friend said quite a few things last night, that made too much sense for me to downplay. One thing in particular. Several of my girlfriends have been trying to say this for the last 4 years, but this friend said it in such a way that I heard it. I said "I rope in the men, but my *keeper* is broken."

Oh. OH!!!! And there it is. In one text bubble. *mic drop*

And then there was this exchange. 

I thought about that last line all night. ALL. NIGHT. My girlfriends get me. They understand me. They've been supportive and kind while I figure my stuff out. They haven't been shy about delivering some tough truths and letting me know when I need to get my shit together. They aren't letting me wallow about this most recent break up. But to have someone really see who I am? I can't remember ever hearing that before. I don't think I believe anyone has ever really seen who I am. We tell ourselves stories about who we think we are, and it's all intertwined with truths and lies that have been placed on us with our family history/damage. Something about this friendship has made it very easy for me to be myself. Plain and simple. Not that I am at all plain and simple (because alpha female!!) but I have just been very raw and real in our interactions. I'm very impressed that he got through to me. 

Adulting. I. Don't. Wanna.

I work hard to be positive. Sometimes I only manage to be semi-positive, heavy on the snark. 

I'm exhausted. Too much stuff has piled up at once. I've spent the better part of the last 3 months researching and preparing for a legal action that took place a week ago. The bills from my attorney are rolling in. The arbitrator's decision was.....not the worst case scenario. But definitely not what I needed to keep providing for my boy as a single mom, while keeping my part time job so I can still parent him every day after he gets off the bus, and take him to therapies. I will need a second part time job. But the 4 days a month that I have off from parenting, are my respite-take a deep breath-catch up on missed sleep-bill paying-housekeeping-catch up days. I don't want to give them up. I'll do what I have to, of course. I always do. I ALWAYS DO. I am always responsible. I'm always looking for ways to do the best thing for Braeden. But I'm exhausted.

The water pressure pump at my house is croaking. It isn't a necessity, and can be unplugged. But I really prefer to take a shower in water that sprays with more force than I can pee. 

I had to drain the hot tub. There's a leak. Also not a necessity, but one helluva perk, damnit.

My car is back in the shop. 

I'm dreaming about hemmorrhaging money.

And today? Got bounced off all social media avenues by the latest dumper. Stupidly, it upset me. Either he rekindled with his ex (she's just a friend!!) and doesn't want me to see it. Or he's not enjoying my snarkiness. Either way, he can eff off. But it hurt. A lot more than I wanted to admit. I dared to hope that we had a future. I let him in. Still don't know what the lesson was. 

Right now, I want to give up on lots of stuff. First thing on the chopping block? Dating. One of my girlfriends just went through a super crappy breakup. She told me "Only regrettable bar hookups for me, from now on." I don't know if I even have enough energy for that. 

I had to rely on my parents for car rides to drop off the car at the mechanic, take my boy and I to speech therapy, back home, and tomorrow to work. I hate having to ask for help. I'm independent. I'm stubborn. 

I missed a phone call from my attorney today, while dealing with car stuff. I spent a couple of hours last night going over appeal paperwork from her. It stresses me OUT. This *thing* still isn't over. It's still costing me ridiculous amounts of money. It's still keeping me up at night. It is rooted in greed, which makes me nauseous. Because it's about a KID. I don't understand how anyone can suggest *options* like those I was offered. I think it is so much easier when every decision is made based on what is best for the boy. 

I'm not a saint. I do make every decision based on my son. But it doesn't mean I'm immune from being frustrated that he comes out foraging for a snack at 8:03pm.......*just* as I sat down for the first time today. I wanted to curl up on the couch, let the cat snuggle in and purr. I wanted to watch one of the eleventy-jillion smut TV shows I have stacking up on my DVR. 

I'm used to allowing myself a *wallow day* now and then. There's always tomorrow. But tonight.....The simple, smallish pile of laundry taking over one end of my couch that needs to be folded, made me cry. I don't see a light at the end of this tunnel. I don't have a lot of things I'm looking forward to right now. I see a lot of things that individually, aren't daunting. But piled up? MUCH more than I'm comfortable admitting to. For the first time since the explosion, I'm scared. I've been frightened before. I've been scared momentarily, but always felt confident I'd land on my feet. 

Tonight, I'm exhausted.

He's Just Not That Into You

And by "you", I mean "me". 

http://youtu.be/rY0WxgSXdEE

Either it was a case of him just not being that into me, OR The Universe didn't think I had *REALLY* learned the "She's just a friend!" lesson. Either way, I was dumped (via TEXT!!) again. My heart is not broken. I've been through worse. But DAMNIT my ego is sporting some shiny purple bruises! I don't need to be at the top of someone's priority list. But I need to be ON the priority list. Preferably before the 'install doggie door' and 'mow the lawn' entries. I'm not high maintenance. 

So. I'm single. I'm rebelling by being a complete animal and doing whateverthehelliwant, wheneverthehelliwant. Wait. No. I'm a mom. I rebel on my 'non-mom' weekends. So 4 days a month, I do what I want. To include (but not limited to) working out, reading until the wee hours of the morning, and....brace yourself....mowing my lawn! I'm a wild one! I even had two glasses of wine Friday night. In a BAR!!

I'm fine being single. No really. Stop looking at me like that.