Nature Is My Church

I'm not entirely sure what my spiritual beliefs are. I've gone to church on and off since I was a teenager. Every night I say thanks and ask for protection for my loved ones. When friends who are believers ask for prayers, I offer them up. I'm just not sure if I'm speaking to God, Buddha, The Universe....Flying Spaghetti Monster? I've never been completely comfortable in any one church, I think because I don't trust organized religion. 

I've spoken with a mom who also has a child with special needs, at school functions and meetings for our kids. She seems to be determined to 'save' me. I've always been courteous and kind to her, but have also been taken aback by her fervor and enthusiasm. On one hand it is overwhelming that she sees something about me that screams "save her!!!", and on the other I'm impressed that she is so strong in her beliefs. Personally, I try to take anything in life with a grain of salt, and some moderation. 

Except steak. I'll salt the hell out of that, and eat a 64 ouncer in one sitting. 

Anyway.

This mom knew that I was facing a daunting court battle last October. She offered to pray for my son and I, which I graciously accepted. She shared that she was facing some troubles within her own family, and I offered my own good thoughts and prayers.  I saw her for the first time since then, at the special education parent meeting Monday night. We exchanged a few pleasantries, and she asked how my court date had gone. I gave her the abridged version, and asked about her family situation. She launched immediately into what I would describe as *frothing-at-the-mouth overzealous excited verbal vomit*. She said "Your marriage can be redeemed! Your ex husband can be saved, and God can give you back your marriage. You just have to believe. You just have to be saved yourself. I've prayed with someone whose marriage was revived after 18 years apart!"

I'm not often speechless.

A couple of things came to mind, and I've been thinking about it since Monday. First, that her words immediately made me see her as a Stepford-esque religious zealot. With a little space, I still admire her passion. However, I won't be willing to share any personal stories with her in the future. That exchange was far too intense for the level of friendship I have with her. It was invasive, jarring, and very unsettling. 

Secondly......would I want my ex husband back? My immediate reaction to her comments about the possibility of my marriage being "redeemed"......NO. Absolutely no question whatsoever. I wouldn't want my marriage or my ex husband back. I don't know him now, nor is he someone I would choose to know if I didn't have to. I don't like this new version of him. I choose to surround myself with good hearted, kind, genuine people. He is no longer any of those things. My only hope for our relationship is civility while co-parenting. 

For now, I'll keep saying thanks and asking for protection for my loved ones. I'll appreciate beautiful sunsets, people and moments. I'll keep hoping that I will see the reason I've been through so much cruelty and pain. And yes, I'll keep asking that the reason be revealed sooner than later.