What Not To Say

It's a universal truth that people don't know how to deal with something they've never been through themselves. 

Doesn't mean they won't try to tell YOU how to slog through your shit storm. 

Yes, they're trying to help you. Yes, they mean well. NO, you don't have to take their suggestions to heart. I have mastered the art of nodding along while they philosophize about how I should be handling my crap.

Something I learned in counseling during The Life Explosion, is that the only way through it, is through it. Hip waders on, clothespin firmly clamped on my nose. Shit shovel gripped in my rubber glove-clad hands. Now DIG. 

Even if you've already dealt with a particular layer of your shit sandwich, sometimes a person will try to feed it to you again. And again. And again. You're supposed to be learning something about it, or yourself. Sometimes it takes several whiffs of eau de poo-poo, before you really grok the lesson. Having someone say "we've already been through this...." Doesn't help. People who say that? KNOCK IT THE FUCK OFF!! 

Here's a list of unhelpful things you shouldn't say to people who are going through some crap.

"You should just...." OR! "You need to...." Really? I *should* or *need to* just what? Should I *just* stop thinking about that thing that destroyed my life as I know it? I *need to* get over it already? Why? Because you are tired of hearing about it? Why didn't I think of that? It's so easy!!! I could've just gotten over it? WHO KNEW?! 

"Forgive them and move on". Again with the 'why didn't I think of that?' *facepalm*. The degree of betrayal is directly related to my personal ability to stop rehashing something. And when there is 3+ years of slander from the gaping maw of my ex husband's mistress....guess who is going to be unwilling to *forgive and forget* just because she's (the trollop) suddenly decided she wants to behave like a 17 year old instead of the mean girl middle schooler she has been for 3+ years? ME. NO, I actually DON'T give a shit what she said about me. But she also can't expect me to EVER be willing to have any kind of relationship with her, after all of the poo flinging, and without any acknowledgement of what she did. They did me a favor. Life is SO much better without him in it daily. Doesn't mean I'm ready or willing to pretend it never happened!! 

"Be thankful, and only look at the good stuff." I am thankful. And some days, I have been thankful for the only thing I could think of TO be thankful for....air to breathe. There have been days  that I was face down on the carpet, crying my eyelashes off.....and all I could conjure to be thankful for, was air. Don't try to offer your take on all the good stuff you can see in your friend's life, when she can't even get off the floor. 

People need to get through the day, any way we can. I think the best thing you can do for anyone who is struggling, is to listen. Truly listen. Let them speak, cry, and rage without inserting your opinion in any way. Hug them. Hold the pillow steady while they punch the ever loving shit out of it. Let. Them. Work. Through. Their. Shit. Say nothing. After they've released some steam, tell them you love them no matter what. Tell them you're sorry they're struggling. Just BE there.