A Work In Progress

Last weekend, I went out on a date with a man I met through two online dating sites. I apparently blew him off on the first site, which I swear,  I did not do on purpose. That site just isn't very user friendly. So we were matched again on the second site, and he reached out. He was SO funny about being blown off, that I had to respond. We texted for a couple weeks, and he is the first person in the history of EVER, to get every one of my jokes, references and one liners. We met after work one evening for a beer, and spent 2 hours talking non-stop. We met again the following week and went for a walk with his dog, and again talked the entire time. This last Saturday night, we went to a local wine festival for some tastings. We capped the evening at a pub in that same town, and again with the non-stop talking. I'm really enjoying our interactions, and I am really loving that I have someone I can laugh with again. He's witty, funny, and seems like a genuinely nice guy. I'm hopeful. 

Sunday was gorgeous weather, so rather than stay inside on a treadmill, I hit the Centennial Trail with my earbuds in and music blasting. I had a spring in my step, and was proud that I am continuing efforts to take good care of myself. So there I was, breaking a sweat on the trail in the sun.....and he passed me. *he as in, the one who let me go in December. He was with his son, and they were riding their bikes. I'm embarrassed that I reacted this way, but I immediately had a huge lump in my throat. Tears welled up in my eyes. I had to step off the trail to try to get my shit together. Less than 12 hours after a very good date with a really good man, there he was. Is this some kind of test? It took me down several clicks. He didn't acknowledge me in any way. I have no idea if he saw me. But I saw him, and the cold grip that wrapped itself around my still raw heart took my breath away. When I got back to my car, his truck was parked 2 vehicles away. It took me quite some time to further get my shit together to be able to see through the wall of welling tears to drive away. I thought I had let go. If I'm still affected that way, perhaps I wasn't as successful at letting go as I thought. I'm keenly aware that unless I fully let go of him, I won't give anyone else a fair shot. I'm trying REALLY hard to give this new man a chance, and not make comparisons. So far, he is failing miserably in comparison to this new man in the making me feel like a priority department. I am hopeful.

My son had a terrible night, and a major barf. Sensory barfs are very common in my house, but this didn't seem to be one of those episodes. It made me very nervous that my boy is struggling with symptoms of his ACM1 again. I'm still not sure what the cause of all of that was last night. I fell asleep with tears trailing down my cheeks out of frustration for not knowing how to help, and for my boy not being able to tell me what was wrong. After 14 years of guessing, it shouldn't still upset me when I can't figure it out. But there it is....still upsetting. Some of the tears were also out of frustration that I'm doing this by myself. I'm overwhelmed with concern right now, all stemming from the fact that I'm on my own. My car is showing signs of kicking the can. I just lost my health insurance. I have NO idea what the future holds for me or my boy. And I'm on solo sick kid duty. Thank God for my sensitivity to more than one glass of any kind of alcohol.....or I might develop a problem. Overwhelmed is such a mild word. Trying to remain hopeful.