Hindsight

Hindsight is 20/20. At first I thought it was fun. And then I thought it was us being mature and not posting about our relationship because we were keeping it for ourselves. I felt like there was a fine line between posting to *prove something*, and just sharing happiness with friends and family. Now I see that it was about him hiding me, but I still don't know why. 

I learned that I will never again be someone's secret. It feels really, really bad. It makes me feel like I was really naive, and far too trusting. I feel like the good in the relationship has been overshadowed by being someone's *dirty little secret*. It could've been a matter of him guarding his privacy closely. Or it could've been him ensuring that he kept all potential women/dates under the impression that he was single. Keeping his options open.

Last January I read a blog post of a former friend, about going to a company holiday party. I realized very quickly that she was talking about my boyfriend, whom she'd openly pined for on her blog. He'd been texting me from that same party, and never mentioned that he was there with her. Nor did he ever tell me that he took her. It wasn't until this past August, when he was upset at photos I'd posted on Facebook of my friends and I on Girls Weekend, standing or sitting with men we'd met, that I brought up the holiday party. He expressed that he was feeling uneasy over those photos because that was the same scenario under which his ex wife had cheated on him. I explained that those men were married, and had been our *buffers* against some men who were bothering us. I explained that I didn't have a cheating bone in my body, and the interactions were completely innocent. Why would I post the photos publicly, if anything untoward had happened? I assured him of all these things, and said I understood where he was coming from though, because I'd felt the same way when I found out he'd taken that friend to his company holiday party. He explained it was a last minute decision, and he'd asked her because I was busy. I accepted his explanation, and we seemed to be ok. It did continue to gnaw at me that he hadn't told me he'd taken her. If it was innocent and him just taking a friend, why wouldn't he just say so? At the time he took her, I was very upset. But I worked through it myself, and was very proud that I had done so without accusing him of anything. I felt like I was so upset because of the baggage of my ex husband's affair with a friend, and it was something I needed to handle and get over, because this man hadn't given me a reason to think he would cheat on me.

Hindsight. A lie by omission is still a lie. After we broke up, I found out that there had been a second wife. Which is not a problem. But the fact that he had effectively combined two ex wives into the same person whenever we discussed our *stuff*, proves that his M.O., is to lie by omission. A couple of my friends feel that I dodged a bullet with this one. Until this morning (I'm a delayed-processor of my emotions) I was still just feeling bad about myself over the end of this relationship.

Hindsight. I won't be anyone's secret. I won't second-guess my gut when it's telling me something is wrong. I won't trust anyone quickly, ever again. I won't compete with another woman for a man's attention. But I won't ever regret being the kind of woman who goes 'all in' when I love someone. I'll just be more selective about who deserves that part of me.