Thankful But Sad

The man I'm in love with and have spent the last 1.5 years enjoying new adventures with, ended our relationship the first week of December. He was gentle and kind about breaking my heart. But his timing was spectacularly bad. 2 days after the anniversary of my ex husband dumping me, and right before Christmas. Ouch. Some things were brought to my attention after the fact that made it glaringly obvious that one of his reasons for breaking it off (he has some baggage to work on) was a bit of an understatement. Those details will eventually make it easier for me to accept. But for right now, he is a major missing piece of my life. I went from daily contact to absolutely nothing. Today he posted a photo on Facebook, and my immediate reaction was "Oh! There he is!! There's that face I love and miss!" Which was immediately followed by my heart hitting the floor, and a sob from the very depths of my soul.

He is someone who raised the bar for me, on how I deserve to be treated. On the kind of person I will want to spend time with in the future. I'm so thankful that I've now experienced an adult relationship, as well as an adult breakup. In ending our relationship, he was infinitely kinder and more respectful after 1.5 years, than my ex husband was after 20 years. Thankful he ended things kindly, but SO sad that he's gone.

And OH....how I will miss him. He's not someone I will get over any time soon. Right now it feels like I might never get over him at all. He said he wished he could see himself through my eyes. I truly wish he could too. I think everyone deserves to fully understand how their biggest fan feels about them. Thankful to have had that 1.5 years, and a whole bunch of great memories....but so sad that it's over.

I also know that in the future I won't be afraid to tell someone how I feel about them. Well, I'll probably be shaking in my (very cute, thanks to him) boots. But I'll say it anyway. I now know that I need to hear those things too. I want to spend my time with someone whom I adore, and whom adores me back. I want the country song cliches. I want to be with someone who is proud to have me on their arm, and is proud to introduce me to his friends and family. I want to be part of an intact family, and share my son's sweetness and silliness with someone who loves him and feels honored to know him. But that person will also have to be very strong. Strong enough that I can confide in him about my worries for my boy. I want a partner. Thankful to have learned so much about what I want in a partner, but so very sad it won't be with him.

Christmas? I've learned to hate it. I'm holding up a pretty good front for my boy, and making it as wonderful as possible. I'm able to provide him with a very good Christmas. We have what we need. I have to remind myself of that daily when I'm sad that what I want is gone. When my boy leaves on Christmas Day to spend the rest of his winter break with his father, I'll have another good cry. Thankful to have him Christmas morning, but sad for my own loneliness.